الا بذکر اللہ تطمَئِن القلوب

Laws of Love

2012-02-13T20:35:00.002+08:00

What attracts me most in this video is the way Umm Darda's heart inclines towards akhirah more than anything else.

And of course, to be united with your spouse in heaven would be SO AWESOME. Allahumma ameen.

Mufti Ismail Menk lecture

2012-01-10T19:00:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah! Mufti Menk inshaAllah will be in town next month, after 2 years of trying to get him to come to Malaysia; due to his tight schedule and other matters.

He is one of the first English speakers that I listened to when I first started listening to Islamic lecture, and am looking forward to hear him live.

InshaAllah, February is gonna be fab.
www.muftimenk-kl2012.blogspot.com

safe & sound

2011-10-31T15:54:00.010+08:00

I'm trying to summon up the words to describe my last 3 weeks. Hectic, tiring, scary, exciting, and perhaps crazy...somehow I felt like a caged bird! (More on this strange cage-bird syndrome later)

I am now, Alhamdulillah, slowly (catching a few breath of relief) settling down into a new nest. That's right, I'm out of the in-laws' nest! Hoorah! :D Few have asked; some more blatant than others- what did your in-laws do? I find it quite disturbing that lots of people have such negative perception of in-laws. In fact, I find it offensive. Hey, these are my parents of my beloved! And my parents too...

Truth be told, had they been the ultimate parents-in-law from hell it would have been easier to move out. huhu... I am forever grateful that they are not such people, in fact they are such warm and loving parents; who helped us a lot during our first year of marriage.

Then comes the ultimate question-then why move out?

Easy enough. Privacy. My own kitchen. My own rule as regards to living. I pondered a long time whether I was being selfish. I am. and I've come to term with this fact. Grr its a pain to admit it.Anyway.

After weighing some of the pro's and con's and getting some advice from those who've been married more than few months- I decided to tell husband my wish. And him, being Mr. Perfect agreed.

We are living in a flat now. It says apartment on the bill, but a place without a lift do not deserve to be called an apartment. And..yup. Our hut is on the fourth floor. It doesn't bother me. Its clean & airy, gated and do not have weird people trotting around without passport. huhu!

We started to gather bits and pieces to make the place looks like home. What a precious experience, to start life with someone. Everything seems fresh, there are lots of territories yet to be discovered, and we wonder a lot. How many kids we'll have, what we'll be like when we are old and cranky, who will die first, and how long it will take him to marry another if I die. The last part came from me. heheh. I wonder if other wives have thought of that too.

Anyway there are lots of things that are not quite settled yet. The drawers are there, but I haven't filled it yet. We've got the pots & pans but the stove is not working yet, and right at this moment there are two plumbers working hard to change the leaked water tank.

The water in the bathroom has not been regular in its flow, and most of times there are no water coming out at all for the last four days. Fortunately the kitchen tap is functioning and that's where get our water to shower and stuff. I have also been washing our clothes by hand the last 2 days. How nomadic! and quite tragic too since my dad bought me a very nice washing machine. What an awesome gift! I didn't feel anything when he gave me a gold bracelet, but a WASHING MACHINE where I can make my clothes smell like the laundrette is heaven! Hasben do not share my excitement. He is still besotted with his new big black fridge-lots of space to put his various favorite drinks, and lots of ice to make. He has gained 2 kg's since moving here! hah! The funny thing is we went to his friends' Aqiqah kenduri and all his schoolmates claimed dia dah kurus! He was totally basking in the compliments too ("why, thank you, I know right!") GRRR this guy memang nak kena cubit betul. I'm trying HARD to control his diet. It's not easy!

Back to the story I felt quite angry at the landlord for taking this lightly (oh, it will come soon. you'll see) and even angrier when I saw hasben patiently filling the basin with water and carrying it to the bathroom. He shouldn't be doing all this!

This morning I called the landlord and rather harshly (mind you MY harshness is never extreme) reminded her that the water is not functioning and she better do something about it today. I think she knows that I meant business (an angry wife is dangerous!!!) and made a call to the management office. They said its a problem with Indah Water and asked me to make a report. I called them; only to be received with laughter on the other end. I was supposed to call Syabas, not Indah Water. How very professional of them. I didn't see how calling the wrong place can be funny. (at this stage nothing was funny anymore-I have turned into a Godzilla). Thankfully the Syabas people were quick to respond to my report. They asked me whether the whole house is out of water or just a particular tap/area. I said just the bathroom. They kindly told me that I'll have to call a plumber; for they'll only be responsible if the whole house is short of water.

Allah is most perfect in His plans. The day before while at my in-laws I saw a plumbing ad and saved it just in case. The 'in-case' happened quicker than expected.

The plumber came (in a funky four wheel drive! I guess I was expecting a dirty guy in Pagoda? hehe. how stereotypical kan. Plumbers are rich I tell you!) and blinked at the old rusted tank (that's what it felt like anyway, he checked everything so quick)

Him: "You gotta change that filthy old tank mam!"

Me: "How do I that?"

Him: "1200."

Great.

I asked him to call my landlord, I figure it'd be easier. All I heard was foreign Chinese sound out of his mouth, and suddenly he boomed out at me. "Now you talk!" and gave me the phone. The landlord asked me if I have money to pay upfront first. Yeah, like I would have 1200 in my pocket any other day. "No..." And I let them talk further. The plumber than said, "Okay! We'll do it. I send 2 workers soon. After that we go pick money from your landlord."

Before that I made a little deal with him that if the landlord says okay with the project he'd make an extra pipe for me to use for the washing machine. He agreed. I'm happy to solve the water problem, and my landlord's happy that I'll stop bugging her on the phone.

Phew! That's one problem solved..

There are so many little incidents that's happened, I wish I can capture them all in words. All we have are sore & tired bodies to remind us of the experience...

This whole month I have not done any freelance work except for a week long research project which I decided to pull out from. I'm still trying to figure out what would work best for me. I can't be doing housework all day, I'll die of boredom.

Alhamdulillahi ala kulli hal.

Its the blessed month of Dzulhijjah, hubby will be 32 (or 27 as he claims) in a week, and its our first anniversary few days after. There are so many things to be thankful for, my marriage, my health, this new place, this religion, this way of life.

Most of all I'm just thankful that I am still alive, which means there is another chance to keep striving to improve myself.

In my head, I want to be an excellent wife.

In my head, I want to devote myself to Islam.

It's so easy typing it here.

What's on your head and heart is important; but what's more important is how you manifest that belief and want into reality.

Safe & sound, striving & hoping.

The procastrinator-baaaa

2011-09-30T15:44:00.006+08:00

I just watched a short trailer to the book 'You're not so smart' and it hits me right in the nose. (though i dont get some of the stuff, in the vid)

I have been procrastinating so badly, that I began thinking about its effect on my life. To think that I could be learning new things by now, but because I have been delaying doing something that really, should have been dealt with ages ago- I'm STUCK.

It also got me thinking about how I always like my hubby to do certain things when I want it, like cleaning his things, or praying, or doing some things for me (this is worse)- and not applying the same standard to myself!

Its time to catch up with those things that I have been delaying with for ages. Yikes. You know that you are doing something right when its so difficult to start!

I wanna be like hasben, always focused in doing things! I can't even focus my camera right...but I'll get there.

on cooking

2011-09-21T21:26:00.008+08:00

The last few months my cooking progress is speeding up! There's something about home-cooked food, in its simplicity and made with LOVE that makes them great.

And so I've been trying to make lots of meal revolving chicken, chicken and more chicken. Hasben's favourite is a simple chicken sambal- that I have to somewhat reluctantly admit not to my liking! *Sigh. In the beginning of the marriage I tried to like every food he likes, which would make it easier to cook too. But I kept eating less and less, and this week I have come to term that we have totally different likings when it comes to food and its okay not to like what he likes! Like today, I made him his spicy meal, and for me, a milder version with lots of potato.

There are few meals that we both like though (hooraah!)- Below is my attempt to cook one of them, Nasi Ayam Hainan. I was quite surprised at how easy it is to make nasik ayam.

Marinate chicken with garlic, ginger, oyster sauce, honey, and sesame seed oil (minyak bijan) which will give a lovely brown color to the chicken. When I first opened the sesame seed oil bottle I thought "phwoar! this smells like nasik ayam shop!" duh!!! blonde moment again.

Pop the chicken in the oven, and meanwhile cut some onions and take out some herbs like cinnamon stick, and those you can see in the picture. I just took all the herbs I could find. As usual, some serai and halia, and chicken stock.

Wash the rice.

Fry the other babies until they smell good, mix them with the rice and add water. Press cook!

It was raining outside, and I stared at this tree for a while...

After turning them over several times, I took them out of the oven. Yum!!

Prepare some onions, black pepper, chicken and sup bunjut to make some chicken soup.

Mix them up! Put some salt until they taste you know, soupy.

I cheat the next step. Just bought some chili oil from Roast Kitchen Restaurant and its all done! I forgot to take picture of all the nasik ayam put together.

A great tip I got from an aunty is to always take a bath and get rid of your 'kitchen outfit' before hasben gets home. They wanna smell the chicken, but not on you! Cooking is easy but TIRING but you don't have to tell your guy that...when they come home just say "Oh this thing? I just throw some stuff up and they turn out..not so bad eh?"
:D Padahal dah 3 jam kat dapur kan. mwahahaaahha. Remember the intention is to please Allah so greet him with a dashing smile. smile!

Puzzini-Swedish Italian Pizza

2011-09-21T20:33:00.009+08:00

Hasben wants me to write about Puzzini, a Swedish Italian restaurant at Uptown Damansara. Each time I invite him to Pizza Hut or Dominos, he would always tell me that they are nothing compared to this place. So I was like, 'Well, take me there then!'. Finally, we got round to this place (he has lots of eating places that 'I should try')

I like! For everyday dating its quite pricey, but for those special days its top! Each dish has its own distinctive taste, and if you eat with my hasben you'll even get a live feed (pardon the pun) on each of the menu.

Fresh hot bun with butter as appetizer. I really should try to make this!

Beef lasagna, generous amount of meat and cheese that just melt in your mouth.

I tried this baked fish with cream sauce and cheese. Creamy, and the fish well cooked. Delicious! Oh and I so dig melted cheese, swirling them with my fork, and pulling it from the plate, and... NGAP. I told my hasben that I felt so Italian, he quickly remarked 'You are! That's why you are living with your in laws!' (It is an honour to live with the in laws in Italian culture)

The baked fish comes with mashed potato and salad. I also tried the baked potato, but I like this one better.

Hasben ordered chicken scwartvbjghu- I don't know how to say/spell it! Its basically chicken breast with melted cheese inside, and a mouth-watering mushroom sauce.

We had this Puzzini Pizza before anything else. The dough is thin and crunchy, and just enough tomato sauce and cheese, and fresh veggies. This is also the only time when my hasben can accept veggies as food.

Err...yes it was just the two of us that night.

We must have been really starving!

Hasben showing off his meal. Or should I say one of his meals!

Actually it's quite rare for us to snap a picture together. We'll be back, inshaAllah...

September 11 Wedding

2011-09-21T19:45:00.007+08:00

I is a bad reporter! All my news are old news! hahahaa

Anyway I want to write about Nawwar and Zul's wedding because...my hasben matched this two up *clap clap to hasben! I am very proud of you, hasben! May Allah make all the couples that you matched the happiest pairs of all! There are so many stories about his whole match making journey, and all these people really make our life colourful! This should be in my list of topics I should write about!

Back to the topic, remember Robert? yes!! our mysterious wedding cameraman who disappeared with our pictures for months?hehehe. Oklah..I have to burst the bubble (anyway we received the LOVELY wedding album- he gave it to us on our way to meet Nawwar's parents to tell his intention of marrying their daughter, while me and hasben were there for the shepherd's pie!)...his real name turns out to be Zul who turns out to be Nawwar hasben! It all works out perfectly in the end.

Before the akad....Nawwar with her cousin Nabila.

After the akad everyone lega!

And my hasben very happy!

Kak Siti (green lady) also very happy. She has witnessed all our love stories yang penuh drama!

Final picture before leaving home.

Not before offering to take this cute kid home though, sadly she said NO! Big mistake kid, it would be fun living with us!

Ramadhan

2011-08-28T23:57:00.025+08:00

The race is almost over and I can almost see finishing line. I can almost feel the satisfaction of a continuous struggle to improve oneself. Indeed, anyone, who joins a race, who works towards the same goal would all feel the same way. Regardless, whether one cheats along the way. Regardless, whether one fails some requirements of the competition.

I am home, after the (supposedly last tarawih) for the year. As I recall the final moment there, the hugs and handshakes between us, the whispers of 'May Allah accept all our deeds,' I wonder, who among us have truly succeed in this month. and I wonder, whether I am one of those lucky people whom Allah would forgive all of their previous sins.

For me, it has been a humbling month, a (constant) struggle to submit my soul, wholly, to the One who created me.

Having been unemployed for some time (my freelance work at the moment totally lack intellectual challenge, and so I consider myself not working! ahah!) I somewhat reluctantly had to revise my spending habit. and it is, I admit, more of an EGO thing that makes it hard. I also realize that once you are married, your lifestyle will somewhat change naturally. If before, your lifestyle was determined by your parents; now its level is determined by a different person, with a different pocket size. it can go three ways: a) your lifestyle remain the same b) somewhat you move up a notch or two c) somewhat you move down a notch or two. and you adjust accordingly. now, before you start thinking that i married a farmer who's living in a wooden hut and I've started to wear straw hat and flip-flops, let me just tell you you are wrong. the straw hat idea is not too bad though...

anyway, i am adjusting well, in fact i have never been happier. Allah has freed me from the shackle of...ADDICTION TO SHOP FOR STUFF. It is very liberating not to splash hundreds on clothes or hair products. Though its harder with handbag, if i see one I like, I can feel the itch in my palm to swipe my card over the counter.

I see now the beauty of Islam where the husband becomes the provider for women. though the money is there, any good wife wouldn't waste it, knowing how hard the husband works for it. (now i still shop, moderately most of the time. the trick for the hasben is not to give cash in bulk at one time :D)

If you think you are over spending, stop it now! for the habit will drain your precious energy, and you'll be chasing for more money all the time. if you feel that your money is running quicker than a squirrel (yes, they do run), yet you can't quite point out what you spent with it, reassess where you get the money from, your shopping habit, and your goal in life. chasing dunya is a never ending quest that will only be satisfied with the dust from your grave!

Anyway, a bigger reason of the change in lifestyle is also because there are simply more substantial things to plan and think about. if before marriage, we all aim through this sacred bond to get closer to Allah, and to get to jannah. after marriage the goal becomes clearer, more real, and tangible. its like someone who's been planning for years to do something. when she finds a partner who actually wants to achieve the same thing as her (if he's not yours yet catch him faster than you can say CATCH! this is your EEMAN you wanna protect) , it becomes a huge motivator for her to actually take bigger steps towards the aim.

somehow other things become less important...living with a spouse gives you the chance to reflect how much you really have done for your goal. because he's working towards the same goal, and you see his milestone, and you do not want to be left behind. and a good partner won't leave you behind. oh gosh that sounds soo corny. alamak now i remember some lines from a movie, where the man gives the girl a flower to wear on her wrist and he says "I hope this is not too corny." and she says "I've been looking for corny all my life." hahahhaaaaa. corniness gives me goosebumps, and i still cant determine how i can hate and love it at the same time!

anyway, back to the topic. what have Ramadhan done to me?

well it further emphasize the big change that marriage has brought. I have a new family. and new sets of extended family. doing something big and important with my new family (in this case experiencing Ramadhan together) has further force me to adjust myself in accepting my new life. i don't know how other recently married girls deal with it, and their speed in adjusting to their new life, but for me it takes time. new things take time to be adjusted to. the nest is different, and therefore the body needs to acclimate itself with its new habitat.

i must admit that in one of the early days of Ramadhan, during sahur I cried. I missed my family, i missed that sense of familiarity, i missed being goofy with my sisters, and laughing for the silliest things... in my new house (this is my first ramadhan with hasben) it felt different. I quickly dried my tears and told myself to get myself together. This is my family now.

the last few days, one sweet day I finally, finally let go. for a while, I was too busy comparing my family and my hasben's family. they are definitely more outspoken with each other than we would. at first i thought it was just plain rude. when my hasben is not pleased with his parents, he would just say it to their face. likewise they would do the same, and even to me.

my family would eat together during dinner, here they would eat at different time. and many other differences...these things messed my head for a while, finally i decided to embrace the concept of accepting people as they are.

its easy to say we've been practicing this all the way, but do we really mean it? on my part i think i have been too forceful to change people to be better Muslims, to follow the Sunnah; when i know that only Allah can give guidance to whom He wants.

إِنَّكَ لَا تَهْدِي مَنْ أَحْبَبْتَ وَلَكِنَّ اللَّهَ يَهْدِي مَن يَشَاء وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِالْمُهْتَدِينَ

Indeed, [O Muhammad], you do not guide whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He is most knowing of the [rightly] guided.

[28.56]

All we can do is try our best to to be better Muslim our self, seeing our flaws before seeing others first! and invite others in embracing this beautiful religion. if you are one of those friends whom i have aggressively smoulder with religious concepts and lines, i am sorry. i am only doing it because i love you that much :) and may Allah guide all of us...

Finally, what have Ramadhan done to us as husband and wife?

Definitely less arguments :D (mostly because I am stubborn) and more patience and mercy towards each other. I try not to dwell too much on the fact that hasben doesn't know where to put his wet towels, and he forgives my goldfish memory especially when it comes to where i put his stuff. i have also accept the fact that he cannot read my mind, and i must say what i'm thinking. he also has accept the fact that women can cry for no apparent reason, and yes, their scarf must match their clothes.

So many lessons i've learnt within the span of one month, and i dont think i can squeeze them all in this post.

All in all, I've been reminded about being human. we are all full of flaws and imperfection, and there will always be a mixture of sadness and happiness in life. that's just life!

Soon, Eid will arrive, and indeed it should be a happy day for all of us who have been striving to be better Muslims. may the joy of Eid reminds us of the real joy in the hereafter, and further motivates us to take a step forward towards it.

Let's remember this ayat, and structure our life around it. Let's remember why we are here!

وَمَا خَلَقْتُ الْجِنَّ وَالْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ

And I did not create the jinn and mankind except to worship Me.

[Quran 51:56]

May the upcoming months be better for all of us, and may Allah let us taste the sweetness of Ramadhan again, next year.

Islam is Amazing and I LOVE being a Muslim! Alhamdulillah.

Allahuakhbar!

perhentian 7-10 july

2011-07-25T20:20:00.033+08:00

We couldn't have picked the more perfect getaway time! The hot weekend when Bersih demonstration was going on, we were here, at Perhentian (kecil) Island. It was my first time being there, and I loved it. Anyway what's not to love? The sky was blue, the ocean was blue, the fishes incredible. Soon as I boarded the boat to get to the island (a 30 minutes ride)

I could feel all my stress and worry being blown away by the wind. The difference this time with my previous travels is I had a mahram with me, and having learnt about the great virtue of making doa when you are a musafir (traveller) I increased my prayers. It proved to be a very therapeutic act, one that increased my joy of being in such gorgeous environment.

From my observation Perhentian Kecil's visitors mainly are young backpackers who would come in a group or as couples. The chalet are very affordable and provide basic amenities, but we took a slightly fancier chalet at Moonlight because of its private bathroom with hot shower (for the wife) and aircond (for the hasben). The best thing about Perhentian Kecil is that it has its own snorkeling place, and we don't have to hitch the water taxi. Staying at Moonlight, its about 2 minutes walk, and made it easier for us to take a break in between our snorkeling session to eat and drink. Families tend to like Perhentian Besar (About 20 minutes away by boat ride) because of their nicely built resort and facilities. I guess the price would be higher too...

My hasben decided to buy our own snorkeling mask- because we have to 'bite' that thing tightly, I didn't find the prospect of renting it very appealing either. I mean there is SALIVA involved here. I was quite shocked at how many things hasben wanted to bring, like hair conditioner and baby oil ( a great tip i learnt is to 'soak' your hair with baby oil before entering the sea so that it remains soft and tangle free. the only down side is it took me longer to dry my hair because of the oil), sunblock, after sun lotion, dettol, minyak gamat, cotton bud, panadol, balm and few other things. but they all proved to be useful. hasben hurt himself underwater, corals and rocks are very sharp i tell you. while trying to catch a breath, he stood on a rock underwater and it cut through his feet. ouch! I also brought my contact lens to see the fishes better, but it turned out to be a hassle to wear that I neglected them in the end.

anyhow, at one time hasben saw a black tip shark which is pretty big. he excitedly pointed it to me and I MISSED it. (dont ask me how i could miss a massive fish when i could see even little nemo!)

when we got out hasben obviously couldn't hide his excitement:DID YOU SEE IT?

me: see what?

him: the BIG SHARK OF COURSE!!!

me: what shark!!

big mistake woman! i had to live with his sharky jokes for a while after ( hey there's no point if we go to shark point you know- me: why?!!! him: because you would miss it again! at which point he would laugh histerically at his own jokes. GROANNN.)

yesss. this shark swam in front of us and i missed it! perhaps Allah knows if i did see it i would panic. huhu... it was actually rare for the shark to swim near the shore, as it has its own territory..anyhow, this shark is pretty harmless. it doesn't attack on human, there are actually very few cases about it attacking human. pic from other website. we dont have a waterproof camera. would be nice though..

we saw a lot of different species of fish. these adorable stripy fishes like to bite on your feet and eat dead skin. very good, but quite ticklish. it made me laugh a few times, which allow water to get into my mouth, and then i regret it. hehehe.

We brought food, the food there is very expensive. We only dined out twice during dinner, and that cost us roughly Rm 80 per night. delicious though! at other time we only chilled out at the cafe for drinks, which is quite reasonable.

view from our room.

picnic by the beach. cute hasben was content with a cold drink, and i managed to listen to a lecture via mp3 player.

main activity. snorkeling! we spent hours in the water. the longest was 5 hours just snorkeling. most would only snorkel near the beach, but we went further. that's where the corals are! It was very tiring, mainly because my swimming partner turned out to be a fish in disguise. huh! at one time i was so exhausted that i signaled to him for a break. we climbed up to a rock nearby, with me thinking 'phew! finally! i can rest!' suddenly hasben started climbing up to get a better view and urging me to follow him. i was thinking 'are you kidding me? now we are MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING?' who says big people aren't fit? hehe. but the view was great though.

the clumsy waif on a boat. of course, i am a few shades darker now!

i asked hasben if he could be any animal what would he be?

his answer? a mermaid.

i tried another tactic. any REAL animal?

a unicorn.

never mind.

Nothing can beat the natural swimming pool. Allahuakbar. how great is Allah.

Mutiara Express proved to be a very comfy ride. but i was scared to death. as we took the night bus, it was speeding throughout. geram betul.

upon returning, I said this doa as taught by the Prophet (prayer upon returning from a journey):

'No deity has the right to be worshipped but Allah alone, he has no partner. His is all dominion, to Him all praise is due, and He is able to do all things. We return repentant, worshipping, and praising our Lord. He fulfilled His promise, He aided His slave, and He alone defeated Confederates.'

(Bukhari and Muslim)

may Allah make all our journey as a means to gain nearness to Him. Ameen.

"Indeed, in the creation of the heavens and earth, and the alternation of the night and the day, and the [great] ships which sail through the sea with that which benefits people, and what Allah has sent down from the heavens of rain, giving life thereby to the earth after its lifelessness and dispersing therein every [kind of] moving creature, and [His] directing of the winds and the clouds controlled between the heaven and the earth are signs for a people who use reason."

Al-Baqarah: 164

Sungai Gabai-Mei

2011-07-07T14:01:00.003+08:00

Noon time

To see your partner at peace is another nikmah mashaAllah

We actually went to Sungai Gabai around May, but I have just discovered the photos last night! Nature has a way to calm us isn't it? We climbed pretty further up to avoid the crowd, and found a quiet spot way up the waterfall area. I wished we brought hot coffee that day, boy, we were shivering. I can almost hear the sound of the river now. Definitely coming back, inshaAllah!

midnight

2011-07-01T00:10:00.002+08:00

a peaceful time to contemplate-
was i a better person today than yesterday?
did i learn anything new today?
did i forgive more than i judge?
what's my gameplan for tomorrow? i.e. what's my strategy to increase my amal for my akhirah.
in the furthest part of my heart; i wonder if at the last moment of my life i'll be able to utter the sacred word 'lailahaillallah'?
in this long winding journey of life, sometimes i wonder about the destination itself.
its too foggy, unclear, and sometimes too lonely.
sometimes it does not matter how many people there are around me.
some thoughts i cannot put into words, i only understand its presence with the beating of my heart, or coldness in my fingers.
whenever i think of the hereafter i get like this.
like i dont know what to say.
i put a little hope in a jar, and the journey carries on.
step by step, inching forward, no matter how scared i am.

Selangor

2011-06-29T17:06:00.002+08:00

greetings from Bandar Anggerik! i especially like the flowers around shah alam. nice!

the Selangor book fair is currently on; with much fewer turn outs than the one in PWTC.

I want to take a picture of our cozy booth which at times smell like delicious coffee- because i've been drinking a lot of it. it's very cold! which makes hasben happy and me slightly frozen, but its still bearable.

The working schedule for both of us is a bit tight, we only reach home near midnight. I have to put half my eyes close at the state of my bedroom at the moment. the only thing i manage to do is make the bed, and put our dirty laundry downstairs. yesterday we both work at the shop, alternating with other staff so we could get some rest. somebody treated us with a super nice lunch, which made me dizzy. i lied down, and ended up taking a 3 hour nap, and a slightly high temp. nevertheless, the human body can always make itself flexible enough to accept any tough new condition with ease. for that, i am grateful. anyway its less tougher than the KL book fair, and i miss the whole noisy fiesta. tough conditions make you tougher.

anyway my boss/hasben is back from prayer. (i persuaded him to try wearing sandals for the time being, so that his crack heels doesnt get any worse. we'll see how long this last! as for wearing shoes, im not quite sure when i'll win the argument. one step at a time woman!)

SUTRAH is an instant goodness.

2011-06-22T13:32:00.004+08:00

I am not going to dwell heavily into this, the discussion about Sutrah can easily be found in books according to the way of the Prophet SAW.

I'd like to share it here, so at least if you read this, you can practice it instantly and get an instant goodness, and share it with your loved ones. (PLEASE share this with your love ones, I dare you!)

What's the deal?

secret key: SUTRAH

meaning: My family knows a similar term called SAPRAH, which is the fabric spread you put for dinner. SUTRAH is DIFFERENT.

basically it is object you put in front of you like a wall, (fantastic sutrah!) a chair, even a person sitting in front of you (if you're in a small surau) or anything that is pretty high (handbag doesn't count-its too small)

advantage:

1. you have just eliminate one common mistake done during solat, and get rewarded for it.

2. you have the right to stop anyone trying to cross between you and your sutrah. it is a big sin to cross in front of anyone in solat!

dalil (reference):

Here is the command for having Sutrah:

The Prophet SAW said:

"When one of you stands for Salah, there should be an object before him..." (Muslim: 510)

"I saw Allah's Messenger always seeking to perform Salah near the pillar." (Bukhari: 502)

example:

chair as sutrah

little desk as sutrah, and how to stop anyone trying to cross between you and your Sutrah.

easy! just stand near a wall or pillar, like the Prophet SAW did.

May Allah grant you the strength to practice having Sutrah each time you pray inshaAllah. If I can get even one person to practice this, I'm the happiest person in the world. Anything mind boggling here, PM, call, FB, or tweet me. of course, if you choose the last option, I wont reply because I only know the tweet of a bird. hehe.

Have a nice day!

hang in there

2011-06-20T11:57:00.003+08:00

'Aboo Sa’eed al-Khudree and Aboo Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with them both) reported that: “The Prophet SAW said, ‘A Muslim does not meet with fatigue or tiredness or concern or sorrow or injury or grief, not so much as a thorn-prick but that Allah expiates his errors for him by that.’” Al-Bukharee and Muslim.

This narration and such others describe the fact that Allah’s mercy over the Muslim is extremely great. Aside from the favours of not affirming servitude to any deity except Allah, and believing in and following the Prophet Saw, his pains and sorrow also bring benefits to him as long as he bears them patiently, not wailing over them.'

*These are taken form the latest book by Da'wah Corner-'Tremendous Benefits'

I try to gulp down the hadeeth, realizing pain and sorrow is not easy. waiting is not easy. in order to gain something from our pain, patience is the key. the dreaded P word, when its easier to scream and shout, and to loose hope.

I tell myself to try dance in the rain, and smile during a storm.

There is something beautiful about hanging in there.

So that eventually, after the cloud has finished pouring out its tears, and we can almost feel the warmth of the sun, we truly appreciate the joy of a bright day.

Finally, when we thank Allah for the gift, we truly thank Him.

The sweetness of patience is like no other.

Just hang in there.

happiness

2011-06-17T16:51:00.003+08:00

in marriage is earned through hard work. if before married, i see my friend's family photos and think: 'how nice!! to be able to be granted such joy, and companionship!'

now i see it and think 'how nice! to taste such joy after working hard to build and maintain a family.'

i have 3 minutes before my (own) scheduled time of cooking today.

anyway, somebody important to me has asked 'when am i going to get a real job.'

as in a 9-5 proper job with at least 20 colleagues to chill with, and AC office, and a boss I can argue with from time to time.

i said, "but I'm happy now with my current situation."

the person said, "yeah, but you can't be freelancing forever."

i was quite flabbergasted at the frank remark. i think this was a first pressure-remark that has come my way.i remember one of my friend who said she faced the same thing, and now i know how it feels!

it amazes me how other people like to think they know what's better for us, when our whole circumstances is not even understood by them.

this person does not understand:

1. that at the moment I am still trying to juggle my marriage in the best way possible. I have a husband with bundles of energy, who might ask me out for a date at 1.00 am. my husband also doesn't have an exact punch-in time with his work, and I like to keep him company in the morning.

2. at the moment haven't found any flexible full time job that makes me wanna jump at the opportunity.

3. i am taking a paid crafting class and has promised to be involved in yet another freelance project.

4. i am yet to recover from all the office drama i saw and heard from my previous job.

5. i LIKE what i'm doing now.

6. and so... taking a fulltime job is not in my best interest.

I have at least learn something from this rather unpleasant conversation-

it reminds me not to judge others just because they are doing something I would not do myself. who knows, his/her situation compels that person to take that action in the first place. I then would have sinned for judging another person, and perhaps, talking about it to others I would have gotten another sin for backbiting.

i think hasben will rebuke me for even wasting my time to defend myself- when i totally dont have to (and stealing cooking time pulak!) but i am only human...sometimes words that people say can leave a mark.

okay... got some chicken waiting to be fried. (if im working i'd be stuck in a jam!)

ok ok enough of defending myself. writing about chicken makes me miss my hasben.. haha!

a small lesson

2011-06-15T14:51:00.004+08:00

yesterday was quite a full day. after our class, sending friends home, and dinner, i was quite glad to be able to see my bed. i think hasben was quite flat also, especially after a whole day with me which is not always easy. especially yesterday, the car's air conditioner was not functioning pulak. alhamdulillahiala kulli hal.

anyway i took a long bath, (everyday is a long bath according to hasben-but i can tell the difference!) when i came out hasben already fall asleep waiting for me. on his stomach was a candy he found while cleaning my messy bag.

so i quietly took the candy to put it aside, which woke hasben up. he asked if he can have the candy. i said of course! i didnt even like the candy. so he ate it.

few moments later i asked why didnt he just take and eat the candy before.

"because its yours."

subhanaAllah. such small gesture, but it made an impact on me.

and i take this small lesson as the 'precioustest' gift for our sevenmonthlyversary.(hehehe. you can roll your eyes now!)

*the other gift is a book.

such incidents as above has triggered me to be so obsessively advice my single friends-

when looking for a spouse don't go for HANDSOME, MACHO, RICH, or FAMOUS.

go for the one with the DEEN and you will find that God will put in the rest of the good outwardly things anyway.(yes hasben you are very HANDSOME)

most of the feedback i get, YES I KNOW, I KNOW.

i know you know, but what are you going to do with what YOU KNOW?

*in no way i am claiming my life is perfect- but whatever lesson i've learnt, i like to share, and likewise, i like to take lesson from other people's experience too...

abaya

2011-06-13T18:41:00.003+08:00

Da'wah Corner recently brought some new abayas from Saudi for its Malaysian market.

I got most of my abaya from this shop, particularly because of its feminine cut and kain yang tak panas. Lately I've been wearing it quite often because my hasben like it. (Quite frankly-most my clothes pun dah takde sejak kebakaran, and takde mood pergi shopping sejak my hasben gave me the book 'Gila Belanja'. cis.)

Actually the men's jubahs are excellent too, but its not up in the blog yet...

Here's the link! www.dcbgoods.blogspot.com

a quick one

2011-06-09T13:41:00.002+08:00

before dashing off to a local craft shop- i left my sewing machine there for the time being, discovering its functions is much easier now with someone to guide me.

i have 2 weeks ish to finish my unfinished projects with da'wah corner and craft shop (this for fun), before the Selangor bookfair. finishing off part is not as fun as the starting part.

life after marriage is definitely more hectic, but its nice, you know, to have someone to provide for you, take care of you and save you if you drown (at least i hope so!)

not having a 9-5 job has drop my stress level so much, yeah! (though im not sure whether this will be a permanent thing)

however i miss the intellectual challenge of being an editor- i am such a geek!

which leads me to stacking up on books, particular interest is on parenting and death topics- how ironic!

(going off topic here, few weeks back i asked hasben if he'll get free books if he quit his job, and he said yes on ALL THE TITLES. there i was smiling and jumping up and down at the thought of having all those books in our home one day. then few days after, while helping at the bookstore when new shipment of books came, i slyly told him- "if ever, you gonna quit you have to pick the right time." "what do you mean right time?" "when new shipment arrived!" i whispered excitedly. "why?" he seemed pretty foggy with my idea. "so you can get all the new titles!!"
at this point he laughed his you-pitiful-waif laugh. "I will only get ALL titles published by us." which is 5% of the all the books of course. huh- unfortunately I have to continue with my book purchases, perhaps more frantically now.)

anyway, i find death topics refreshing, should the grave be our beds TONIGHT are we prepared for it? hah this thought leave me shaky, hasben thought me to make prayer that Allah grant us khusnul khatimah or a good ending.

as good, and fantastic marriage is i am constantly aware that one day i will be separated from my dear hasben (a thought that sometimes bring me to tears) sometimes i see him in his sleep, his hand in mine, i wonder when will be the last time i get to hold his hand like this? but depressing thought, i know! but such thoughts keeps me on my toe to try me best to be a good waif to him.

*i have to go!

what bosses are for

2011-05-12T11:19:00.000+08:00

i think most people have those moments where they just want to squash their bosses, and drink it down their throat.

i've seen my colleague personally cried, clenched their fist in front of me to show their anger and drown themselves with excessive food so as to 'let it go'.

i have yet to see anybody react uncontrollably in front of the boss himself. somehow that composure remains, that sabr is exercised so well.

my boss have shouted at me, and i could coolly pretend it does not matter. i didnt even flinch or falter, which to be honest amaze me too.

im just trying to figure it out why is it so hard to maintain that patience with people closest to me. somehow the rebel in me keep showing up.

i think i was more patience when i volunteered at a disable place, where sometimes, the kids, because they cannot control their own face muscle would spat at me while talking.

i feel ashamed that i cannot be as patient with my partner now. perhaps its because of his very tolerable nature, it is easier to become defensive.

i feel ashamed that i can loose my cool in front of my aged parents, when they have tolerated so many of my shortcomings.

thus i am on a path of struggle. to fight with my own self, against intolerance, against impatience.

part of becoming an adult is learning to forgive.

part of becoming an adult is learning to show mercy.

people talk about the big things, so many dream of becoming great, of saving the world. heck, some are even angry about the use of plastic bags!

but if we cannot even show respect, love and mercy to our love ones, in the long run the consequence will be felt in ourselves.

sometimes i wonder why there are unrest and uneasiness inside, but after reflecting my own actions, i see cracks that need to be mended. i see hearts that need to be consoled.

thus, the boss has become the best catalyst for me to exercise putting my best self forward.

now its just a matter of treating everybody like i would, towards him.

happiness comes from concerning about others more than we do about ourselves.

energyy

2011-05-11T17:00:00.006+08:00

phwoar!! writing feels like ancient history to me, in fact i almost forgot where the letters go on my keyboard! ( and this, my dear students is an exaggeration. that's right, use double g's!) ah, i do miss teaching sometimes. i loved looking at my students faces, their serious expressions in trying to understand what i said or implied, and sometimes their sudden outburst of laughter that just light up the whole room. i remember now one of my classroom, with its scenic view of green trees and blue sky- amidst our chaotic ramblings, those moments where i wished for time to freeze, so that i could savor the joy slightly longer.

my 'quietness' in my writing is because life has been hectic, with too many moments i just want to freeze. finally, i think after weeks without enough rest, i decided to put a stop today to give way to room cleaning. i dropped dead for quite sometime, Allah knows I need it!

It turns out my hasben is a real social bee with abundance of energy to spare- (must be all those honey) thus even my weekend is packed with classes, work, visiting my parents, and...coordinating this with whatever plan my hasben has. when i was single i thought my activities were hectic already with different classes, volunteering, and the likes. i thought once married i would somehow 'settle down'. those who say such things probably have never been married.

because i dont eat a lot my energy level is lower, thus making me easily burnt-which at times must iritates mr. energetic. but what can i do!! right now Im eating more supplement foods, like dates, honey, habatus sauda to catch up!

last night, after our class ended (we go to class on tuesday night where we study one religious book with an ustaz. the understanding will be different and deeper as compared to when one reads alone) hasben wanted to go to our second home to buy some groceries. our items are pretty much consistent: we always buy:

1. chicken
2. tons of milk (minimum 8 boxes)
3. barbican
4. ice cream
5. hot dog
6. bliss drink for waif.
7. eggs

after we got home (midnight) hasben decided to have a 'picnic on bed' so i had to throw some frozen pizza in the oven, heat up a chicken soup and make some garlic bread. i even spread out a picnic blanket on our bed to complete the whole night fiesta theme. hehe. it turned out, because waif started to get cranky while baking the pizza, it wasn't properly baked. hasben decided to go all the way downstairs to BAKE IT AGAIN at 1 o clock in the morning. and then we continued our picnic.

finally, at about 2 am hasben started to get drowsy (no i did not use drug on him) and started to talk less. that means bedtime is near. after some more conversation in the dark, i heard a gentle snore (tak la gentle sangat) signaling resting time. phew!

while washing the dishes yesterday i could not help but felt a sense of gratitude that each moments in my life now is spent on my family, or work, or learning; that hopefully will benefit me in the hereafter.

as my boss would say, "If you are busy (with worthwhile things), be thankful. It's a good sign that you're improving yourself."

motivation

2011-03-25T01:29:00.003+08:00

I cannot sleep tonight, and I came across the blog

The author has passed away, May grant him mercy after battling with cancer.

Reading about other people's life journey makes me wonder about my own journey. All the precious memories I can remember as if it only happened yesterday.

Life is but a fleeting moment.

and indeed death is just around the corner.

oh material world

2011-03-14T20:44:00.025+08:00

Don't get me wrong, I like expensive stuff.

I especially like clothes that can look so simple, so understated, and yet the price tag can make me choke if I think too much about it.

I have been guilty to buy hairclips at 19.90...and other annoying stuff that will be lost after few months of purchase.

I have paid a ridiculous amount on a bag.

Had I not waste my money I probably can go to hajj by now!

Waa.

And observing people around me, I am assured that I am not an isolated case, in fact, it just seems so neutral now.

I used to come back from shopping and tried all the stuff excitedly for five minutes, and then busy myself thinking of the next things to get. Already! Sometimes, I'd be at the counter paying, and my mind would already be plotting of things to buy that will go perfect with this thing I just bought. Sometimes I feel guilty of my own thoughts, (I bad bad girl) but now I know it is the very nature of desire to never feel satisfied.

"If the son of Adam were given a valley full of gold, he would love to have a second one; and if he were given a second one, he would love to have a third, for nothing fills the belly of Adam's son except dust. and Allah forgives those who repent to Him." (Al-Bukhari: 446)

So what stopped me on my never ending quench for stuff?

Alhamdulillah, our house caught fire last year. It was devastating yes, but our house is prettier now Alhamdulillah. During those trying time it was hard to say that Allah just want to replace us with something better, and more importantly, teach me a lesson.

One thing I learn, I can live with much much less.

Second thing I learn, we wont even miss almost all the stuff we lost.

Third, with less stuff, we focus less on perfecting the perfect image of ourself, and we can dig in deep to much substantial stuff, for instance our character! I am not saying yes for scruffy outfits, but I know now to be moderate is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Fourth, our true friends will stick with us no matter what we wear, regardless how much or how little money we have.

As we grow older our lifestyle is determined by ourselves.

Its okay to have taste, its okay to want the best for ourselves, but at the end of the day its important to spend according to our pocket.

A 500 ringgit shirt can be a luxury for some, while for a millionaire, it might be a humble purchase.

Last nite I wanted to show hubby my new glasses. So I was winking, and rolling my eyes, moving my brows, and he was like 'what?!'

Finally I pointed to my new glasses, and he said, 'what's wrong with your eyes?'

grrrr. somebody shoot me now! Having four sisters I'm so used to having them noticing every tiny new things I've acquired, as little as a bookmark.

finally, I had to say 'I got myself a new glasses' (finally-my old glasses just keep falling now my face coz I sat on it) and he couldn't believe I would buy 'the same one'. its not the same!!!

My point is, the person that would care the most about how we look is, ourself.

To rise above our material desires is indeed a big feat, but you will start noticing more important things in life that can warm your heart like no materials can.

There is an advert near my house that advertise a 0% interest rate, for buying HANDBAGS.

If you cant pay cash for a handbag, forget it.

Handbags cant buy you love.

Okayyy on another note altogether, this picture arrive in my email, right on our four months wedding mark-which we didnt realize until last night.

hasben: *gasp. we forgot our fourversary!! (yes we are still at that stage where we count how many days we have been married, please forgive the excitement)

me: *gasp. what's the date?

hasben: 15th of March! you forgot! (see how he subtly blame me?!)

me: YOU forgot too!

hasben: I am not a WOMAN. (and now the whole female population)

I pray that Allah grant us all spouses that will be the coolness of our eyes. Love is indeed, a beautiful thing.

Someone asked me last nite, 'are you contented with your marriage life?'

and I was like mmmm [nodding] and in my head 'huh? contented? I is happy beyond words lah'.

"And among the signs is that He created you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and he has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (ArRum: 21)

I pray that Allah grant you mercy and put tranquility in your hearts, whoever you are.

just rambling

2011-03-12T18:12:00.002+08:00

oh and the world just keep spinning, and each day we are all closer to meet our creator.

I was watching an arabic class lecture and the language is like a big puzzle to me, that its just awesome. a puzzle is something that can be solved, understood, and completed and i am optimistic this time round that i will gain something valuable. its there, all this years, thrown at our face from the left, right and centre-finally, I feel like I'm cracking a secret code with this language, and that's probably why I'm excited. because it seems like a game to me.

well I'm on lesson 3, (lets not mention anything about hasben's LACK OF PROGRESS lately) and there will be many lessons yet to come.

we were at Borders yesterday and I remarked to hasben of my lack of interest with fiction nowadays. well. what can I say. I must have read hundreds of those and at some point I just got sick of it. hasben dramatically remarked "you have been given the light!!!" hmm...I guess this is the phase where I am bored of love stories; so full of sexual innuendos, and lack of substance. i feel like a makcik already.

My mind is thinking of those distressed people in Japan, and when I open facebook and find people complaining about the most ridiculous things, I just wanna put all these people in a box, and send them there.

note for lazy days

2011-03-06T12:03:00.004+08:00

Thank you hasben for buying me a new set of 'The History of Islam' series 'so that I won't have anymore craving for it.' I kept holding back to buy it considering the rows of books I haven't got round to.

But Allah knows best, I managed to read the introduction yesterday and found a beautiful ayat that just rings true to me.

"And that man can have nothing but what he does." An-Najm: 53: 39

What a beautiful sentence.

And from all aspect of life, you will gain nothing but what you do.

Ever seen old couple holding hands and lovingly talk to each other? Than know that it's not a result of love or magic, it's a result of their hard work and commitment at the relationship.

Who is the most successful person you know? Know that he worked hard at it.

When is your happiest moment in life? All the trials you faced before that let you taste the sweetness of joy.

Just as your soul will only be carrying your own sin, know that your soul will only benefit from the good that one earns for himself.

Abu Hurayrah said that the Prophet Muhammad SAW said:

"When a person dies, his deeds will cease except in three cases: from a righteous son who invokes Allah for him, or an ongoing charity after his death, or knowledge that people benefit from."

Well one's son does not just pop out overnight and become righteous does he? Who takes care of him when he was unable to take care of himself? Who instill all the good morals and behaviors in him?

"...and one offspring are among what he has earned" 7:241.

Does the ongoing charity appear by itself or initiated by someone? Just as one walk on a sand and leave a trail of his footsteps, the deed is but a trace of one owns action.

'..We record that which they send before (them) and their traces.' 36:12

and lastly,

"Whoever invites to guidance, he will earn as much reward as those who follow him, without decreasing anything out of their own rewards." Muslim 4: 2060.

So when you are feeling lazy remember,

"and that man can have nothing but what he does."

whats next

2011-03-05T11:59:00.004+08:00

we will be attending a special wedding shortly, these two people are matched by hasben! alhamdulillah. its funny remembering how my hasben kept sending sms to the groom to encourage him getting married, something like 'bestnya ada isteri boleh pegang tangan' etc!.

anyway the wedding day will probably mark a big change in anyone's life. its a huge turning point and how glad I am to have passed that stage, so that I can concentrate on a bigger thing to come which will make anyone's wedding day pale in comparison.

well, there will be another big day or days when one will give birth (and then again and again) and of course minus the fairy tales. *sigh. what a blessing a wedding is! all we think about is buying a beautiful dress, seeing our husband looking good, glancing at each other nervously, meeting family and friends. all NICE things. what about birth? well seeing the baby would be awesome, but the PAIN. and what freak me out the most is there will most likely be SCISSORS involved, and no it wont be used to cut your hair! argh! I'll just be in a state of denial of the things to come. but of course, the good news is if I die during childbirth I will get the rewards of a martyr.i still dont like the scissors! and for me there will be a huge possibility that hasben wont be next to me during all that gory stage because he is afraid of BLOOD. my big macho hasben who wont say 'see you soon' because its not manly enough for him is scared of blood! its doesnt make any sense! anyway in case you are wondering I am not pregnant yet!

going back to my point. what is the very special day that is bigger than any wedding day or other days after that?

DEATH.

What will it be like, when we gasp for that very final breath, will it be a gasp full of anticipation, to utter that 'lailahaillallah' ( if God wills ) or a gasp of anguish and regret?

Its a reality and the fact that it could happen any second, minute, day or year should make one busy preparing for that day.

The question is, am i preparing it at least as hard (and it should be much much much much harder) as I prepared for my wedding?

DEATH. don't forget!

you can be the happiest woman

2011-03-04T15:14:00.004+08:00

and so the other other night I cried over a private matter (not everything should be shared online!) and well... I didn't want my mother in law to see my swollen eyes. So I put on lots of baby powder on my face which make my face look whiter than snow white.

So I went down to meet my hasben and he glanced at me over his plate, 'your eyes are sooo red. are you wearing powder to cover up? gee it just makes it worse. you wouldn't make a good a spy.' *laughing as always

me: 'what powder?' (quickly rubbing the powder off)

oh well, life is not always fun. but we do, we do have a choice as to how we want to react to situations.

its okay to cry, sometimes it makes you feel better, but to smile and laugh when the going gets tough makes you a better, stronger person.

hasben is recovering now, and I'm glad, Alhamdulillah!!! it has gotten into his head that making me jump is very funny, and I keep finding him jumping out from this wall and that door that I think a permanent heart attack will be part of my life now.

I did not know much about this guy when I proposed, and I know now Allah has given me big blessings by giving him as a hasben.

I am retyping a d'ua book to be printed.

Back to Work!

door & window?

2011-03-03T13:31:00.002+08:00

"when one door closes, another will open. when a window breaks, it will be replaced."

thank you my long lost friend, for dropping this advice to me.

sometimes it gets a bit dark along the way, and we feel afraid to move forward.

we just gotta have faith we'll see the light soon.

and we keep going forward.

and when we do see the light, its the best feeling in the world.

proper greeting

2011-03-03T13:19:00.002+08:00

a husband would expect a nice warm welcome from his wife when he returns from work.

wait for him at the door and smile and pay full attention to his needs. a cold drink? meals? a shower?

dont wait for him at the door with a list of complains waiting for him.

dont be busy washing, reading, sleeping, or relaxing and make he call for you.

dont smell bad

this stuff didnt matter so much before as I would pick him up from work and we'd enter the house together.

now that I am home earlier than him, have to be more alert.

our best self should be displayed in front of our spouses more than anyone else :D

I am so grateful to be married because I am pushed to improve myself every day.

womens rights

2011-02-24T22:13:00.003+08:00

quite peculiar questions and comments are asked by muslim women nowadays. i have been reading and hearing them a lot that its starting to bother me.

'what's wrong if women cant cook?'
'why cant house chores be divided equally between husband and wife?'
'why is it okay for men to go home and goyang kaki while we have to slave away our nights with chores and entertaining the kids?'

and the complaints

'my hasben bla bla bla.'

fuh.

now let me ask you back,

'the burden of providing for the household has been shouldered on the man, if your husband doesnt ask you to help monetarily, what make you think you can complain about something you have chosen yourself?'

'keeping your husband happy is your job, and cooking, raising the kids and maintaining a peaceful house will make him happy. so why are you complaining about what will open your way to jannah?'

'if you want equal tasks, would you share his burden of protecting, providing, giving knowledge, leading the family, keeping up with the wife's tantrum and complaints and have a share of the sins his family commit if he doesn't advice them well?'

im not saying i dont complain, sometimes its hard to break the habit, but after i got married myself i realize how big a responsibility my husband have, and if he doesn't feel like helping me with the dishes i dont think its fair to feel any resentment towards him. it drive me crazy yes, each time he throws his wet towel everywhere, but hey, its no big deal.

dont let the satan get to you!

positive mind

2011-02-22T14:29:00.003+08:00

Juggling my two days a week working days has been easy inshaAllah. it is organizing those non-working days that are most tricky. there are many distractions and goals that need to be reviewed. I sense that going to religious classes alone is not enough for my thorough understanding, and some quiet moments are needed to reflect and ponder on the vast knowledge that i am exposed to. what do one do when mountains of pearls are laid out in front of him? does he go crazy running here and there to enjoy all, or slowly, sifting through them with care and try to get to know each one closely? had he chose the first one, would he be able to look back at the pearls he looked at before with recognition and sense of familiarity, or would it still be a strange thing that needs new introduction? i think knowledge is like that, if its not understood and practiced, it wont sink in and we'll just get stuck at trying to learn and re-learn the same thing over and over again.

now talking about religion pun can be so sensitive, in fact yesterday i explained to a friend about wudu' not being nullified if a man accidentally brush up against you (we were talking about tawaf) and even between husband and wife, because the prophet saw would kiss his wife aishah rad before going to mosque. i received a, 'ahhh yes, that's one opinion. another opinion says...' one opinion? im talking- with authentic reference about the PROPHET MUHAMMAD saw here and it was dismissed as mere opinion among many. see the importance of knowledge here? see the importance of keeping Islam central in our daily life? and never mind at those who scoff and called you 'obsessed'. there are more pressing matters to attend to rather than listening to what people say about you..

moving on i have been looking at my sewing machine with shining eyes, and my feet are tingling to go at it (ahhh the worldly obsession) but i have to finish a long overdue work first, and i also have been given the green light to write some phonics graded reading books, which means my head will be swimming with words and stories for days. its like a stretched labor, so difficult to get out, yet i can never know whether it will come brimming with life or not. i have been through this process before, and i have yet to see any big impact. oh well. what can one do but keep going forward?

my hasben has been busy at work too, carrying more responsibilities and tasks. each night i look at him sleep and rasa kesian pulak, its rare to see him having full rest. but him being him, he carries on with his life with joy. each time i see him laugh i remind myself to enjoy life as it comes. it is wonderful after all.

of course, some have been dropping the 'baby' question perhaps too excitedly too. i mean of course i want a BABY. i mean look at their cute little socks. grrrr! anyway. inshaAllah...that sweet day will come.

haha. i gotta work.

3 months

2011-02-17T16:38:00.003+08:00

Congratulations to us for passing the 3 months mark!

For me I have learnt that:

he will always be messy
when his eyes shine it doesn't mean he's falling in love with me, it means he's thinking of a plan to kacau me
when he's angry its better for me to keep quiet
and when I'm angry its better for me to keep quiet too, otherwise I will get THE LECTURE which may last up to one hour. berdarah telinga I tell you.
he will always deny that he's tired until he FALL ASLEEP in which his last word will be, 'I'm not falling asleep, just closing my eyes, and I might not reply for a while but I'm NOT falling asleep.' and then he sleeps till morning.
He will NEVER be romantic. Will pretend to be, and then he delivers the killer lines, "lets korek idung together" "you wanna hear me fart?" and yang sama waktu dengannya. Pasrah.

Alhamdulillahi ala kulli hal.

On another note altogether my life has turned another point where I will be working in the office for two days, and do some freelance jobs at home. This is something completely new, and I'm intrigued to see where it will lead me.

Of course, some have asked what will I be doing with all that free time? Firstly the concept of housewife duduk goyang kaki kat rumah is so fabricated. Secondly its totally an irrelevant question for Muslims, because we are not here to be involved in idle talk, or chasing a trivial pursuit. So whether I have a 'career' or not life still goes on. :D I hope my mother wouldn't worry too much..

Ok I got to go UIA and help hasben sell some books. Subhanallah. A place full of memories.

Arabic lesson 1

2011-02-08T16:50:00.006+08:00

I recently came across a how to learn Arabic books for English speaking students, and the series looks pretty promising. Promising as in when I opened the first chapter I didn't feel like throwing the book away because it looks too hard. And so I asked my other half to join me in the quest of mastering this strange language that ironically, was the first language we heard when we were babies.

Last night the first lesson occurred.

me: Ok...our first word is 'hazaa' or this is.

him: hazaa lamb madghut! hazaa lamb kabsah! hazaa sishtawa! haza haza haza!

me: LAMB is english. now concentrate. ok 'dikun.' guess what is it? it sounds like 'kooo koooo koooo.'

him: owl! man, your owl sound is terrible! but its an owl nevertheless.next!

me: no, that was a rooster. koooo koooo koooooo!

him: a rooster? are you nuts?

and then we argued about the sounds of rooster and owl for ten minutes.

me: ok... haza mindilun (wave something around)

him:...... mmm tak faham.

me: ok (pretending to wipe my face)

him: oh i know i know! orang asli!

me: its a handkerchief!!! why would they teach orang asli in the first vocab group?

him: but you looked like you letak tepung kat muka. orang asli!

me: ok hazaa hazaa mindilun. HANDKERCHIEF.

him: naam naam naam. now you teach next (weird arabic accent coming)

me: hang on, why are you starting to sound like my foreign students?

him: so you get the culture yes! Arab arab! (weirder Arabic accent heard, and yes with hands waving)

me: ok...hiss..hissoo...hissan, with a 'sod'

him: gee... you sound italian. you italiano? where you come from? (Italian accent coming)

me: shut uppppp!!! ok qqqqiit qittun.

him: qqqqqiiitttunnn no?? you French I know from your accent!

and he laughed at me for 10 minutes and couldn't stop.

me: okayyyy..'ahaaza' is this. (showing a picture of key) 'ahaaza najmun?'

him: naam naam. la' la' la' hazal miftah.

me: miftahun.

him/ Arabic stranger: no no no.. i say AL so no sukun at the end. I Arab. I very clever. AL no sukun. naam? AL is here. sukun delete. you get? you understand?

me: naam weird Arabic guy...ok ahaaza babun?

him: naam naam naam! (shouting now very excited)

and then we learnt about the Arabic alphabets, the division of solar and lunar words.

him: solar sun!!!! lunar moon!!!

me: yes...hmm calm down. the solar uses the tip of the tongue like t, n,

hi: ttttt, nnnnnnn

and it goes on a bit like that. when I asked him to be my study partner I envisioned nights of serious studying and discussions...and now...I wonder what I've gotten myself into.

orange

2011-02-02T13:55:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow is Chinese New Year and we have been eating oranges like mad. As I peel the skin slowly, taking in the smell and texture I feel a sense of amazement.

Looking at the sacs containing the juicy pulps, all are presented to us to beautifully. The 'see-through wrappers' are not only beautiful and delicate, they do a good job of preserving the freshness of the fruit. Yet, it easily tears once bitten to make eating easy.

The seeds are not that welcomed yet they carry a powerful reminder, that the fruit once originated from such small, humble beginning. Don't the story coincide with how we got here in the first place?

More amazingly, the pulps itself are like small wrappers, its skin so thin that its almost not there.

Time and time again I bit into this fruit, and occasionally, I stop and think, how precious!

And that's what life is all about.

old

2011-01-25T12:46:00.002+08:00

I have gotten used to going places with my other half that yesterday, when I went to a talk with friends instead it felt...weird. It reminded me of my single days- days without hand holding, or thinking about another person, and days without me being teased to death by my hasben. And i thought my sisters were pretty good. Until i met this one.

Anyway I wish I could shake my old self to not worry too much about things out of my control because God's plan is the most perfect of all.

I used to worry endlessly about who am going to marry, how I'm going to meet this guy because I kept meeting morons, I used to worry whether I will get a good job, whether I can gain weight and I even worry if I will drown while trying to learn to swim. I worry about my family, I worry about when my fish's gonna die. In the end it did die, and I turned out okay. huhu.

And then there are those petty worries that I do not even remember now, but at the time felt so big I thought I will faint. The latest just few days ago when I cant find my thumbdrive and watch and I thought I will die. Well I'm still here.

*Sigh. Those times could have been filled doing better things to improve myself. But what did I do? Worry worry.

dont worry be happy.:D

and forgive...

2011-01-18T16:48:00.002+08:00

those who have wronged you, in the hope that Allah will forgive you who has wronged Him.

a woman

2011-01-17T11:23:00.005+08:00

my lack of experience with men (alhamdulillah) means i have a lot to learn still.

for him it is the physical touch that shows love.

for me its a tangle web of mess, that I realize now, he won't even notice 70% of the time.

it is out of love that I

arrange the books according to its importance so that easier for him to grab

learn how to cook

arrange all medicines in one box

arrange perfumes in my favorite box

clean his desk, his room, his things

dont throw his stuff without permission (though im dying to everyday)

sew sarung bantal, selimut

arrange the bed nicely

wash my hair daily no matter how cold it is so that it looks nice

make sure my clothes match (which i couldnt be bothered before kawin)

constantly clean bloody everything

go crazy when the room is a mess (and he wont even bat an eyelid)

i eat rice more often than i would have

i watch movies with complicated plots that drive me crazy with suspense

and yet this hubby of mine question the depth of my love for him

ouch

i dont think he knows that every little thing i do is to please him

and i didnt realize that im showing my love in a way that I think would make me happy

i mean if he sew me a cushion i think i will seriously faint and think this guy is so in love with me!

yes i am twisted in my thinking.

and perhaps selfish at times.

it got me thinking about those people around me that i love so much and how im treating them.

i dont know why its so hard for me to try look at a matter from the other person's perspective.

anyway im so glad we had the discussion.

if you love someone deep enough, show that person the love in a way that he would appreciate and understand the most.and erm perhaps shake him from time to time and say "look i'm doing all these because I LOVE YOU." yes I arranged the toothbrush "cutely" because I love you, no matter how absurd you think that idea is.

Coz men are straightforward thinkers. and women tend to analyze all little things until they go emotional walaupun takde ape-ape sangat (in the men's eyes) pun sebenarnya. huhu. its a different world altogether.

or as my hubby put it, "let's say i think writing French essays is a way for me to show my love for you. would you feel loved then?"

"no, i wouldn't"

lesson learnt, hubby, and I love you despite your terrible analogies.

uniquely Malaysia

2011-01-15T11:26:00.006+08:00

The sweetest sleeper

Yummiest fish

Guess what its made of?

All are EDIBLE

We had fun looking at an engagement party pictures shown by my colleague. Now here's a party I wish I was invited to! Its quite common in villages around Malaysia to have presents made of food, presented as creatively as possible. Normally neighbors would pitch in for the pressies.

eloquent speech

2011-01-14T15:31:00.002+08:00

we spent a small portion of the morning calling candidates to confirm their attendance to interview.

Some leave me speechless

"I am heavily pregnant, in fact just waiting for my due date. What do you think?"

"I...err...I'm in Johor."

"Yes I'm definitely coming." Yes! at last! but oh wait, I mistakenly called from the rejected list. And so my colleague helped to make the dreaded "sorry, there have been a mistake" call.

anyway, after long attempts trying to reach them I simply blurt out.

"Okay, nak datang sudah. Tak nak datang, datang!"

Kak Miah asked me quickly. "What are you saying?"

Sometimes we can sound so eloquent, only to realize what we spat out is utter rubbish!!

I hope, I can emulate learned men, where they either speak good, or what will benefit them (i.e. get rewarded for it) or stay quiet.

resume

2011-01-12T14:53:00.002+08:00

Common mistakes (one would think its obvious to avoid these) in resume:

1) Spelling mistakes
2) Messy layout.Not enough spacing, font too small, not pleasing the eye.
3) friendofthedevil@gmail.com, coolprincess@yahoo.com etc. etc.
4) Referee's relationship - FRIEND
5) Willing to travel? No- (and you live in Seremban. So WHY did you apply fora job in KL?)
6) Cropped picture with background. Arghh! Get a passport photo please!
7) Can speak little Chinese. huh? its Mandarin!

and then...
8) Emailing the company- to ask for an email address to send a resume. erm...

the amount of such resume I've seen are... scary. sadly banyak Malay as well.

the purpose of resume is to bag an interview so its worth doing it well. after all the list of shortlisted candidates are usually very...SHORT.

laki pempuan

2011-01-11T17:14:00.003+08:00

hmm i realize my topic of discussions have been mostly focused on the spousehood aspect.

sometimes ada blog ni i feel like i wanna write interesting stuff like ive been snowboarding, and the next day, sky diving, and the next i killed an elephant...or something.

anyway, we were discussing of how women like unnecessary details.

like i ask him, " hey, which pants is this? i like it!"

and he replied, "you know...erm this pants."

and, "do you like my quilt? see how the curvy stiches go with the whole pattern?"

and he i saw his eyes just go off to other direction, like he could not comprehend WHY we'd wanna talk about a quilt, a quilt!

and...i just never give up.

"my cheesecake looks better this time round. i think its the blueberry on top."

"its...a cheesecake. yeah."

i mean gee. he can spend hours explaining to me about the religion, spy tactics or spouting out incomprehensible german he heard from movies, but show him a cute thing and he wont have a clue how to respond. i think if i show him pink polka dots he might just faint.

and so yesterday i said to him,

"let me just pretend to be you so i can understand how you think."

"you cant do that you know, pretend to be me?"

"and why not?"

"you're a woman."

i tried for a second to understand what he could mean by that. is he implying something? was that a sexist remark?

and then i stop.

there is no underlying motive. or implied ideas.

he's just a man.

and me, being a woman, is on to scrounge for the next cute thing to gush at. and i will share it with him, and he will go "mmmmm."

weaning off self centeredness

2011-01-06T10:07:00.013+08:00

letter to self.

not long after you were born you had to wean off from your mother. though the best feeding period is two years, perhaps your mother did not have that much milk. and thus, you no longer cling to her fiercely when you were hungry. sure, it was not easy at first. but you don't even remember the pain now. instinctively you cried, but soon you get used to the new change.

a series of events that mark your growing stages might come to mind. your first day at school, your first bike, and many of firsts after that. during childhood changes was easy. adaptation to new environment was smooth. pain quickly forgotten.

and then adulthood happens. changes to your habit is not as easy now. it has become part of you. to wean off any habit feels like you're giving a part of yourself. and sometimes it is easier to just be yourself without ever seeing the need to change. the uni years were solely focused on yourself. you study to have a good future, you look for a life partner, you dream big.

and that taking care of "self", carries on in the early working years. it was further disguised by few random act of kindness to your family, friends and the community, which at the time feels so big and good. but the truth is it still goes back to you, because it makes you feel good. life keeps getting better. you can afford to look stylish now. you can go places. you listen to your parents, but you know their advice is not always right.

and then it happened. you found someone who makes your heart skip and you don't know why. the smallest things he says make you feel warm inside.life keeps getting better. God must really love me! you think. because you don't realize happiness and contentment is still a test for you. most will be on the same boat as you. when things go great they think its a sign that God is happy with them and thus reward them. when things go bad, they think its a punishment from God. Its like gauging the result before the exam is finished. when all that energy should be focused on trying your outmost best, you are already celebrating or mourning over your own little prediction. how weak is human, so weak that they do not see it.

and so you keep going. you have a partner to complete you now. you have a partner to complain all your desires and worries, your joy and sadness. it just feels so good. its a relationship tied with love and mercy. its a give and take situation. most likely, you are reaping the goodness more than you give. most likely, that person is the better half of you.

and you keep going. there is someone who should help you to improve, but out of love and mercy most of the time he tolerates your complains, shortcoming, and demands.

and thus life goes on. you learnt that the Prophet saw said "If a woman prays her five (daily prayers) fasts her month (Ramadhan), guards her private parts and obey her husband, it will be said to her, enter Paradise through whichever gates of Paradise you wish." Even better, the promise of paradise! the Paradise in which Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w said "The space of a whip in Paradise is better than this world and everything in it." [Bukhari and Muslim]

and then it breaks your heart.

From Ibn 'Abbaass r.a.d who said that the Prophet s.a.w. said, I was shown the fire and found that the majority of its inhabitants were women, due to ingratitude. It was said: "Is it that they disbelieve in Allah?" He said: They are ungrateful to their husbands and deny the good they do. If you were to treat one of them always, and she (then) saw something (displeasing) from you she would say: 'I have never seen any good from you.' [Bukhari]

'Verily the tree of Zaqqoom will be the food of the sinful, like molten brass, it will boil in their insides, like the boiling of scalding water.' [44:43-46]

It breaks your heart to learn that your weakness would most likely be the cause of your own destruction. You cry, but mere tears will not save you.

You know that its about time.

Its time to wean off the self-centeredness.

and it all goes back to the basic of why you are here,

"and I (Allah) created not the jinn and mankind except that they should worship me." [51:56]

and thus it all starts to make sense. that weaning off process, that has happened time and time again each time you are to embark on a new phase in your life is to ready you. for the bigger separation with your own desires and to eventually, slowly submit to your creator.

"Verily Allah has purchased of the believers their lives and their properties for [the price] that theirs shall be the paradise." [9:111]

your self-centered self would think that your deeds would bring you to paradise. its a lifelong habit that has shaped the way you think. it feels so natural.

but the truth hit you time and time again, Abu Hurayrah r.a.d reported that the Prophet s.a.w. said "No one of you will enter Paradise by his deeds alone." They asked, "not even you, O' Messenger of Allah?" He said, "Not even me, unless Allah covers me with His Grace and Mercy." [Muslim]

and it breaks your heart.

Here you are by His grace and mercy. and so you know you must keep the weaning process going, until that final physical separation of your body and soul.

self-centeredness. it has been a journey of comfort, but one with no contentment.

and thus another phase enter.

a phase of perfecting your worship.

but you will discover its nothing new.

that first cry into the world has remarked the start of your journey.

whether you realize it or not.

self-awakening.

it breaks your heart.

but something, something that you cant quite point out.

or you dare not say.

that there is no doubt in you that this, this way of life and struggle feels so right.

'Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest. [13:28]

and when you read this,

'Therefore remember Me, I will remember you and be grateful to Me and never be ungrateful to Me.' [2:152]

Your heart skips a bit.

You repeatedly say, remember me, I will remember you. remember me, I will remember you.

It echoes in your mind.

It's love like no other.

Your heart skips a bit.

Of hope and dreams, but this time you will patiently wait and strive until the test truly finish.

snap

2011-01-03T17:56:00.003+08:00

how i imagined me as a wife is definitely far from what i am now.

i imagined.me to be.

this cheery energetic wife, who cleans the house happily. and throwing things in the kuali and out come delicious dishes. i imagined a smiley persona, soft hearted, gentle and loving.

what i am.

SINGA.

oh my god. i do not where my short temperedness comes from. i think i was more of a cool headed person before.

little things snap me off. is that dirty laundry out of the basket? i snap. he's late. i snap. is that RUBBISH? i snap.

and all the while he calmly face my moods, temper, and a thousand more things with a smile.

marriage is not easy. the early months is not easy too. here's a roommate with rights over you, in which requires your patience and obedience.

when you are dog tired you still have keep going.

i have cried in his arms simply because i got tired.

i have cried simply because i got scared that i'm not doing good enough.

at these times it is not much fun.

when we fight it is not much fun.

when we got told of our weaknesses its not easy to take it in.

but there is comfort.

in knowing we are growing together.

there is comfort.

when he asks when i'm coming home.

when he says i love you.

or when doesn't say anything at all.

and there is comfort.

knowing this is the person God intends for me. and therefore he must be good for me.

of lipas

2011-01-01T13:09:00.004+08:00

there are lots downstairs. and hasben, ever so silly tries to convince me that there is only one lipas in this world. so the usual dialogue that can be heard while he kills them are,

'i told you not to come back!'

'tak serik-serik!'

and when there are more than one

'you learning magic now? pretending to be more than one?'

'dont believe it sayang its just one lipas, its trying to deceive us! but we know better!'

i swear i can write a comic based on this guy.

which reminds me of another incident yesterday while i was cutting kiwi fruits.

i remarked that the furry like skin is kinda funny.

'you know, in the theory of evolution Kiwi were birds'

'uhuh?'

'yeah, they couldn't fend for themself so they become Kiwi fruits and other birds ate it.'

'wow!'

i am not that dumb, i was concentrating on the fruit.

and while we were eating it, 'we just killed a bird!'

not buying that, hasben.

cooking etc.

2011-01-01T12:43:00.006+08:00

Life is going fast. I miss my family. Though they are so near, our works are too hectic. The little time that we have left is spent for rest, and getting to know each other. I haven't touch my sewing machine for ages; but I did get started on the Ibn Kathir introduction on his tafseer. It gives me goosebump that I am 'listening' to this man's comments with hundred of years separating us. What a blessing mashaAllah to leave something valuable for generations to come. I could not help but wonder, what will I leave to this world? Can I contribute to something worthwhile to help me in the next world?

Anyway the last two days I have jenguk the kitchen after so long. Yesterday I made kurma ayam which is pretty easy but i forgot the salt. My father in law who is always joking around asked me this morning, 'so you guys are not into salt hey?' and I replied 'I did put some salt, just not enough!' and he said 'no salt at all!' and he rambled on about benefits of salt. hah! papa.

Anyway I am so glad my mother in law is kind enough to assist me, in fact i think she did most of the work! anyway she said she likes to cook simple foods but tasty, rather than cooking complicated stuff that is either tak sedap or makes you too tired to even enjoy it afterwards. what excellent advice! she is my kind of girl. today i tried makaroni cincau (throw eveything in and pray hard) and it looks good but i havent try it yet.

even though we are not planning to have a baby soon, i cant help but think about the kind of mother i want to be. the kind of akhlaq i want to instill in my children. and what values want to expose them to. i figure i will have 18 to 20 years, if God wills for me to do that, with them and then they would be adults. i pray that God will grant me children, and children that will be the coolness of our eyes, and let them be soleh and solehah. inshaAllah.

i dont believe motherhood starts when one becomes pregnant. or when one has found a spouse. it is way before that, when you are growing, making mistakes, striving forward for what you think is for yourself but in reality you are already on your way to become a mother. i was aware of this few years ago and though it sounds quite impossible i feel that i already love the babies, that if God wills will grant to us as amanah.

anyway, I am enjoying this time where there's just the two of us. alhamdulillah hasben has been really patient with me with my many weaknesses.

i really should be more patient too!

will send lunch to hasben soon and maybe do some shopping.

its good to ask

2010-12-30T14:56:00.002+08:00

and so hubby gave an interesting review about my poem.

'which pillow are you talking about? is it the one with peta-peta?'

hah. this is what happens when a literature girl marries a literal man.

thank you.

and so yesterday while combing my hair i casually asked him,

'so whats my worse worse habit that you have seen so far?'

without hesitation, he said

'your moodiness'.

'ahah. and my second worse habit?'

'you not smiling when you are moody.'

'and my third worse habit?'

'your moodiness.'

'so my bad habits basically revolve around this mood thing right?'

'yes what is up with your moods?'

speechless sekejap. but it got me thinking. i must really conquer this mood swings. as he said,

'not only it makes you feel bad, you also spread the badness to people around you.'

and worse, to the person i love the most. maafkan saya...

i think its good to ask things like this, getting things out in the open.

thinking of more questions to ask. there are so many things i do not realize about myself.

consumed

2010-12-27T13:13:00.002+08:00

its so easy to be consumed with work. its addictive. and monetarily rewarding.

but life will go so fast, and ill regret not spending more time with my family.

hah. family! my family is so cute right now because theres just me, and him. hehe. cant get any smaller than this.

leaving work early today...yippee. i can see daylight. daylight? Im afraid I will get cuaca shock. and maybe melt like a vampire.

of wives and mothers

2010-12-27T12:40:00.004+08:00

the kuala lumpur childrens book fair is over. though i was not directly involved, picking up husband each night, and working 7 days straight has been tiring. but so enjoyable to test my limit. ive got strained neck, sore body and eyebags. but the course i conducted yesterday was by far the most successful.at least i can smile about that. of course, few hours before that begged husband to kidnap me so i didnt have to face the crowd. huhu.

i have been thinking of wives and mothers, roles so universal; yet uniquely tailored according to one's ability. allahuakbar. continuously amazed. words of this poem has been floating in my brain for days! has to clean my braindrive from all these random thoughts.

the pillow
the comfort
the resting place

the pillow
engulfes empty spaces
the pillow
does not know its worth
nor does it realize its own beauty

the pillow
soft enough to be leaned on
hard enough for support
full of love
and compassion
without force
without you having to ask for it

the pillow
quietly trods through life
battered
honored

2010

2010-12-21T17:22:00.006+08:00

phew! what a year.

I enjoyed the beginning of the year; still renting a room in the big city, in a flat known to be full of criminals. In fact my neighbor turned out to be a drug dealer! hah! the police has caught him. The dogs stopped barking at me, and I met a good tailor who can sew clothes super quick. I learnt screen printing, wasted lots of money on paints, sew few clothes and watched lots of movies. Planned to start saving up for posh studio apartment and travel the world.

up to middle year. Oops so busy doing editing for the bookfair. So happy this year being more experienced selling books. Met abang CD who turned out to be husband. got to know the best bookstore ever! because it introduce me to Islam in deeper ways.hehe. abang CD told me about al-khadeem. best jugak. also he told me about music being haram. kurang best in the beginning. he tricked me by listening to one of my fav speaker khalid yassin, talk about music. so licik! huhu.

middle year. opened the door to my room in Shah Alam. saw black smoke. screamed for dad. we rushed out. top house exploded. my clothes and money got burnt. hah nampaknya dah miskin. huhu. we pindah rumah temporary. so tiny, so hot. mashaAllah. ujian hebat. abang CD proposed. hah. another mashaAllah.

after middle year. begged mak ayah nak kawin cepat. few small drama lah jugak. antara ayat yang diwar-warkan masa tu 'bila nak jumpa Imran ni? bila boleh datang rumah ni? nak kawinnnn, please nak kawinnn awal, bila nak kawin ni??? mak please nak kawin awal, i dont care! kawinkan saya! kawinnnnn' hahaahaaa. finally Imran could meet parents. we both demam tergezut wish finally granted. masa tunang demam. and few times after that demam. terkejut, stress, overjoyed.demam time!

almost end of year.kawin. pegi honeymoon. trying to get used waking up in the middle of the night and see a big guy next to me. remind myself im married, it is only hasben, and not pencuri. hahaha. ini effect duduk flat kot. banyak jumpa penjenayah!

almost almost end. braved myself to give 2 months notice to find a better prospect. slowly piecing it all together. nampaknya tak semua plan menjadi. Allah knows best!

waaa. alhamdulillahiala kullihal.

24

2010-12-14T11:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I turned 24.

Me, husband, my in laws, Imran's anak sedara/our pet child Balqis went out for dinner. Arif my adik ipar joined in later.

In the restaurant there is an aquarium of oren fish, swimming. Next to it a christmas tree. Our pet loved it. I love watching her eyes lit up when I pointed to one fish who was upside down, I think it was eating the lumut on the surface.

In between all the chaos husband leaned in and kissed me on the cheek.

It felt like all the pain and struggle that I went through in life was worth it for me to be where I am now.

It makes it more meaningful.

* I got another book, 'First Things First' by Khalid Baig.

cameron

2010-12-07T08:25:00.009+08:00

I still haven't seen the official wedding pics; believe it or not, because our lovely cameraman robert *bukan nama sebenar wants to give us a wedding album as a gift. hah! a GIFT. I am patiently waiting for that, hopefully we'll get to see it before my wrinkles start showing up. hahaha. I am paranoid about wrinkles because I feel my face becoming so dry nowadays. too much aircond,too little water.

Here are some pictures from our honeymoon.

We spent 5 days in this lovely bungalow. It has 7 bedrooms and we were the only guest! There are 2 caretakers aunty and uncle; and Imran is convinced aunty followed us back and is hiding somewhere. Occasionally he will shout 'aunty!'. I think he just miss Cameron! Anyway we stayed for free; this place belongs to Imran's best friend's dad's company.

We ate our breakfast here each morning. Just basking in the gorgeous view. The weather was 19 degrees for the whole five days. Freezing but best. At least muka tak minyak-minyak.

Never mind the slumpy pose, we jungle trekked during Raya Haji. I thought the forest were quite lord of the ring like. Kinda anticipated a fairy or two but none was spotted. We didn't get to go to Mossy Forest, but kabus were still everywhere.

Quite slippery.

The Chef. To not make me feel so bad he did let me make the 3 in 1 hot chocolate.

Boh Tea plantation. Very Scottish like.
Mount Brinchang. The tallest mountain in Malaysia that can be reached by car. We didn't expect it to be so high, or so cold. Scenic.

The path leading to Mount Brinchang.

Watch tower. Gayat.

Beautiful day.

We did a lot of walking in Cameron.

Bee farm.

Inilah kami. Alhamdulillah. Thanks for all your prayers :)

Many have asked 'how's married life?' hee. I don't quite know how to answer. There were times where I was and will be so tired with all the added responsibilities. But being a wife suits me.

May Allah grant we all a spouse and children that will be the coolness of our eyes.

justify yourself

2010-12-06T17:29:00.002+08:00

in an ideal world we all dont need to justify ourselves and what we belief; nor the path that we chose to walk on.

in the real world we fight to have our say. and we fight further more for our belief.

i have been thrown a word that repulses me to the core, because I am not that person. i feel sick inside because of people's ignorance, and their arrogance to admit that they do not know everything. i say people because there seem to be more stupid people around every day.

let me just justify myself: i have chosen this belief, this hijaab, and this outfit because i have chosen a life of submission.

i see you rage perhaps because i somewhat do not conform to the 'norm'. but norm in society as i see it changes from time to time. one minute a group can despise gays and another 50 years later it might accept it as a valid family institution. women were treated just like garbage bag, not worthy of any inheritance nor education. the next i hear the screams for woman's right.

it shouldn't be too surprising then, that i do not see the options offered lucrative. at all.

so do not rage at me for having a belief. a belief that you deem is the same with you but there is a difference.

i don't intend to put one foot in my religion, and another in jahilliyah and hedonistic ways.

because i dont find peace in it.

you do not need to justify yourself to me; because i do not have time in the first place to scrutinize your weaknesses and mistakes.

thank you very much.

yayasan ta'lim

2010-12-01T11:01:00.002+08:00

in TTDI actively conduct religious classes almost daily. I have been attending the tuesday night class which uses the book belief in Allah, the first book in series of 8. The class is not burdensome, it runs for only an hour 8.30-9.30 and ustaz Yunus presents the topic with such ease (and no rush to finish the syllable!) that i think i'm going to keep on going inshaAllah.

the best thing is its within walking distance.

I was searching hard for classes such as this and alhamdulillah now has found my cup of tea! haha. now there are lots of lectures and classes opportunity; the only thing is finding the right timing.

feel like im just starting to learn about Islam.and you know what, it feels great.

:D

kawin present

2010-11-29T16:25:00.005+08:00

some extra wedding money = a toyota sewing machine-though not the same model. i just snatched an almost look alike machine from google.

huhu. i am simply not a jewelery person, and they cannot provide the same excitement for me.plus its harder to lose this big thing! i was eyeing for another brand but had to wait for a week for that. a week is too long.

also, during nikah i got a watch instead of a ring. its your wedding; why not get what you love eh?

i was saying to husband, this is like a playstation for me. cant wait to make a right mess in his room with fabrics.

spousehood

2010-11-26T13:13:00.003+08:00

its 2 weeks tomorrow post-wedding.woa. that quick? the preparation for wedding felt so slow, with all the suspense and drama almost killing me.
am adjusting to a new place, new roommate, and housemates (mama, papa, oren, and...balqis the naughty niece) yes i am staying with my in laws for the time being- something some find interesting to know how its going.
so far so good!

some days i even get breakfast ready, and most of the time i get back from work dinner is ready too. hah! i do feel quite embarassed for not using the kitchen just yet. in all honesty i'm excited at the prospect of serving husband something (most likely burnt) to eat. just havent got round to adjusting how and when is appropriate to use the kitchen! also..my sleeping habit from singlehood-waking up 10 minutes before naik kereta time is hard to change. this morning it was quite a big feat for me to wake up at 7.35!

im trying to chip in with the house chores-we'll see how it goes! very grateful that in-laws are not scrunitizing me 24-7.they are pretty laid back people.

now...me and husband have developed a habit that needs to be kicked out immediately.
sleeping excessively. we would plan to clean the room, watch a movie, upload our pictures, cook, go to classes. yet we'd end up sleeping after isya', usually after talking and entertaining Balqis who will go home at 8 ish or 9 ish.
then we wake up and say 'whatt we didnt get anything done-again! and ok see you tonight!' time just flyy.

i was nervous before marriage, but once you are in it, you learn to adjust accordingly. and i see now marriage is a good opportunity for you to become better Muslims inshaAllah, because your life doesn't revolve around you anymore.

as this is my first proper commitment to someone, i find it an exhilarating experience. yesterday i looked at this guy, this stranger i've come to know and love within the last few months and think 'wow. he'll be there, inshaAllah till the end of my life.'

the angel speaks

2010-11-23T14:19:00.001+08:00

When making d'ua for someone the angel will reply
'O Allah, provide him/her with something better.'

kawin

2010-11-20T13:27:00.004+08:00

alhamdulillah...inshaAllah my life after this will be accompanied by this awesome person.

i am a Puan.

woo!

what an awesome gift.

alhamdulillah.

sikit

2010-11-09T17:30:00.002+08:00

i see a tiny light flickering with work. hoorah!

wee editors are like little elves. we look at the smallest things. we are not seen.and when we do a good job we go home singing.

alhamdulillah.

Dont forget to praise the Lord and make dua a lot during this special 10 days before Eid. It is such blessed timing beloved by Allah, the Prophet and his companions.The companions would say takbeer loudly-so as to proclaim their faith, and as an act of worship during this time. and they would increase their ibadaah during this time.

May Allah bless you, whoever you are and grant you hidayaah. May Allah grant you jannah.ameen.

right timing!

2010-11-08T12:43:00.003+08:00

i was and probably still am visibly stressed.

a friend passed me a memo-

'don't be upset. everything will be better.'

thanks Allah; you know how much I needed that.

oh kindy

2010-11-02T14:23:00.002+08:00

Overheard an Indian teacher at a dominantly Chinese kindy speaking Manglish like her 4 year old students.

She has been overpowered by the little monsters and didn't even see it coming.

The danger of TESL is your students slang might just be caught by you.

Next thing you know, you're saying 'how are you ahhh' and 'why is your hair so messy aahhh'.

teacher aahhh, get serious!

november already

2010-11-01T19:28:00.002+08:00

wah 12 days left. time felt so slow before. and now it seems so fast.

i still have few invitations to send, and looking forward for a week off soon.

meanwhile- the work just keep rolling in. whoaa. sometimes my eyes just glazed over them-they seemed like a big blur to me esp. now its closer to the wedding.hee.

next week i will take 2 days off starting thursday so i can pamper my hair- my rare indulgence once in a while. i wont do all the mandi bunga stuff. johnson's johnson has been good enough ay ay!

i wonder if i will cry or choke during nikah..hmm..

we'll see.

may Allah make it easy..

hi miss!

2010-10-27T17:05:00.002+08:00

i met my old lecturer yesterday while looking for a book.

for some reason i blushed. because she was the strict type. the reasonably strict type.

'so what are you up to?'

she asked.

i felt a kind of dread.

i'm not THERE yet.

but she reminds me of me- 3 years ago.

i dont have that terribly exciting i'd rather work than sleep feeling yet.

i dont really dress that well-still.

and i stutter when im nervous-still.

but im much calmer and settled somehow.

and positive as usual.

but of course i couldnt blurt all this out.

we exchanged polite greetings instead.

and went our separate ways.

glad that at least we'd cross path again.

if only for a minute.

hi miss!

saving

2010-10-27T16:57:00.002+08:00

an interesting advice from dr. faridah as i was commenting on her post

well more like Dr. Faridah's late father, may Allah bless him

He started saving up for his daughter's hajj account since she was SIX.

Wah. and Dr. F said she bought her first car with part of that money!

what an awesome practice that i wish i have emulated sooner.

in fact i was planning to start saving up for my wedding end of this year- masa ni belum jumpa calon. and i learnt my lesson well not to hasten a good act.

so my advice to single people is start saving anyway. no you dont need that 200 ringgit shoe. no you do not need to spoil yourself rotten.

just because you have boobs your future guy will not be able to grant all your wishes.

soon that money you stashed will be much needed.

maybe to follow your dreams.

maybe as a down payment.

or for travel.

or a sewing machine (sigh)

and pay off mum's debt. (double sigh)

life!

:D

oprah

2010-10-25T12:05:00.003+08:00

current interest is reading articles from oprah.com.

simply to keep me sane during writing-up process.

writing a book is harder than expected. writing a children's book is much harder.

i wish uia had a children literature course. hope they'll be one in the future. so far a promising writing for children course i saw is in the US.

i'd love to travel again but gotta marry 'the boyfriend' first.

nangis

2010-10-20T14:47:00.002+08:00

quite a lot of people asked whether i am nervous or scared.

my work is taking a huge part of my life this moment and at times i cannot think of anything else. there are so many things i want to complete within this 3 weeks. im quite grateful jugak, at least it helps me not to become nervous! hehe.

also those few things that i have to take care off, like buying gifts for hantaran, and maybe finding a shoe, and other small details occupy my free time. yes!

but one of the nights last week i find myself awake in the middle of the night. crying. soon i'll be leaving the safe cocoon my parents have built for me to move to another one with different roles that comes with it.

i guess thats why babies cry once they enter the world, that split, physically and emotionally must have shook them to brave up the new world they are entering- cry of courage.i hope!

i think my tears were more melancholic, simple reflecting how far i have come, and wondering about whats coming. i see my parents and i just want to scream that i love them with all my heart no matter what. its scary to stop depending on them. at the same time exhilarating.

i remember going up the cable car, i was so scared that something would happen. but once i see the whole view everything was worth it. i see the bigger picture.

im still a bit wobbly from the quick turn of events unfolding one by one, but its all good.you just got to give up good to get great!

sms dari iman

2010-10-14T16:28:00.001+08:00

pagi ini

'Selamat Pengantin Baru. Tak dapat hadir sebab demam.'

dan saya balas

'sah demam. saya kawin bulan depan.'

reading course

2010-10-11T13:53:00.002+08:00

has gone ok last saturday- i felt my 2 hour slot were quite dull. the next one will be on the 26th of desember; and i really want to revamp the course syllable inshaAllah.

its quite a relief to have it over so i can concentrate on doing things for my wedding.

on saturday nite me and three shopaholic friends scrounged the jalan TAR. they have long recommended the place for beautiful wedding veil. they were beautiful, but just not me. i like simple and pretty stuff. they were heavy and pretty.

i am not going to wear heels because i am a 5'6 ish bride (and not a midget as imran would say)

i think the rest of the things is pretty much settled by my lovely parents. they said they have booked the catering. i did not ask for the menu pulak but inshaAllah they'll be good.

i will use pakcik's bekas hantaran since he just got married. and mum said her friend is lending us a brand new dulang set. wah people can be so generous.

imran's mum has booked kuih bahulu to give to guests.

everything is pretty much low-key alhamdulillah. ive always wanted a simple wedding. in fact i think i once berangan to have a wedding by the sea so i can wear casual clothes; and then we could jump straight into the sea. haha. talking about sea imran said he wants to bring me to perhentian after the wed but my friend pointed out that its the monsoon season and i might get blown by the wind masa naik bot nanti. cis! guess we'll have to see whats the weather's like next month.

sometimes i do feel nervous (the feeling is like im going to puke) my life is going steer into another big turn and i do not see whats around the corner. but whenever i see imran smile or laugh i know that things will turn out fine.

fugly

2010-10-10T12:34:00.002+08:00

you can have the most perfect skin

the prettiest face

the loveliest clothes

but if you don't mend those heart

to be beautiful

to me you're just freaking ugly

knowledge..

2010-10-07T16:15:00.005+08:00

yasir qadhi in his lecture 'why we worship Allah' said nothing bring about religious spirituality like knowledge.

my recommendation for Islamic books and lectures (english):

you can try these places:

www.abuhudzaifahhoney.blogspot.com
www.dakwahbookstore.com.my
www.ibtbooks.com

i know you are an editor, but what is it that you do?

2010-10-05T16:58:00.004+08:00

1. well i edit children's books like the one above. had you seen the unedited version you would have been shocked at how different it is. the reason is there are 5 editors in our company-we all have one aim of producing great books but our way to get there are different.

2. sometimes my boss have an urgent letter or proposal to make, he might call me up to do the typing too.

3. sometimes i make tea for visitors.

4. i also talk to writers wanna be about the procedures.

5. i try hard to convince my boss why a particular manuscript should not have seen the daylight in the first place.

6. i coordinate with graphics and illustrators. i chase them up, i drive them crazy by doing proofreading for about 50 times before im satisfied and i might buy them food to make it up to them. and then..i do it again.

7. my colleagues might ask me the spelling of a particular word. i go to google and give them the answer. they think im a genius. i think google is genius. its a good deal.

8. sometimes i kill cockroaches in the kitchen.

9. if im not in the mood to work i talk to my colleagues, sms my fiance, email, open facebook, open my blog and make coffee. guilty as charged.

10. my desk is very messy. i dont clean them up until my boss gives me the i cant believe you are this disgusting look.

11. i look out the window if i turn blue from reading too much.sometimes i feel like i work in a cave. with air condition.

12. the marketing people or my boss or other editor will also chase me about my deadline, or about the progress of my book.

13. yes, i have to write books too. sometimes rhymes- and some published! i am proud of this fact even though i only write silly rhymes about frogs, dolls, naughty kids, good kids, monsters and the like.when the rhymes don't work i get frustated, i sulk, write it again, throw it in the bin, go home and buy a ridiculously expensive food. the next day i try again.

14. i sleep sometimes. sorry boss.

15. i talk to international publishers who coolaborate with us. most of the time my boss will tell me what to say. sometimes i am is his personal secretary.

16. we also have a schedule for answering the phone, going to the bank, buying stationery, and counting books at the store.

17. sometimes i forget where i put things, so i frantically look for them.

18. i do filing work, i put contract in the right cabinet, i buy books, i get free books, and i make sure the shoes in front are organized nicely.

19. i try to make sure my socks have no holes in them since we dont wear shoes here.

20. now we have a pep talk every morning at 9.00. if i dont find it interesting i doodle things in my diary.

21. my boss who's a big reader sometimes ask whether i have read a particular book or watch a movie he deems interesting. when i say no he'll look at me like you unbelievably dull girl! of course when i ask him the same thing and he says no i have to look at him like its ok, you dont have time to read such dull book anyway. of course i always feel like saying 'ahah! gotcha!'.

you know...its a whole load of things mixed into one.

sometimes my days are a just a big blur.

sometimes its awesome.

its my job.

tak selalu ribut

2010-10-01T17:42:00.002+08:00

kali terakhir saya jumpa Diana, saya berikan dia buku Faisal Tehrani yg di-sign.

Diana gadis cantik, yg terleka sekejap dgn dunia dan mencuba dadah. rupanya dadah itu terlalu kuat hingga menjadikan sarafnya rosak. Diana menghidap cerebral palsy dan duduk di rumah kebajikan. Jika saya bertanya pasal keluarga, air matanya akan mengalir.Dengarnya keluarganya mewah, mungkin malu untuk menerima hakikat mengenai anak mereka yang cacat sekarang.

Dah lama saya tak jenguk Diana. Harap dia masih tabah. Saya rindu kata-kata semangat darinya. Rindu pegangan tangannya bila dia bagi nasihat. Tuturnya mungkin tidak jelas, tapi dia gadis kuat yang saya kagumi.

office

2010-10-01T11:25:00.004+08:00

extra cheerful today, potluck raya.

I've been at Al-Ameen for 1 year and 6 months, a place where I grow up.

its 1st of october!

2010-10-01T10:58:00.004+08:00

my friend pointed out i'll be married in 1 month 12 days.

phwoar! now that she said it...

debaran!

i just picked up my wed invitation card yesterday and handed them out to my colleagues.

Iman generously designed our card and this doa card i want to frame in the bridal room.

I'm very touched with people around us who kindly volunteered their skills without asking for anything in return. Alhamdulillah.

may Allah make it easy.

copyright- Iman Abdul Manaf.

kalut

2010-09-30T17:33:00.002+08:00

buat sinopsis untuk buku-buku bos nak introduce in frankfurt.

di hadapan saya penuh buku. mata saya lebam menghadap komputer dari pagi.

teringat di zaman universiti- untuk menyiapkan satu sinopsis itu pensyarah beri kami satu hari. itupun jenuh fikir untuk setengah helaian A4.

itupun kecoh tak cukup masa.

how time flies. sekarang tanggungjawab saya lebih lagi.

in the midst of my chaotic life, all the rare peaceful moment like me simply staring at my desk after a hard day's at work just make things..ok.

on taking picture

2010-09-20T14:16:00.002+08:00

so he took few pictures of me.

me: why do i look senget in all these pics?

him: well thats just you.

i think one of the best thing about love is when he sees the real you, and he still turns around and simply say 'i love you.'

on money

2010-09-20T14:11:00.001+08:00

imran: you know before i met you i thought once i marry i'd ask my wife to manage my finance.

me: why would you do that?

imran: because i thought i'm bad at managing my money. but i met you *cough. and i know now i'm doing just fine.

office

2010-09-16T15:53:00.002+08:00

i think my consequent posts after this will be mostly self-centred because i want to write down my days building up to my wedding. it'd be a nice reminder for me when im slightly older.

yesterday me, dad and 2 saksi (ayah kutip di masjid his friends' sons- they are around 22 i think) went to meet the imam to get the approval for me to nikah, and basically to declare i am still a virgin daughter which sounds ridiculous bila dah translate ke english!

it was quite interesting to get to know my saksi's story. one's dad has just passed away because of cologne cancer- i dont know how to spell or what it means. but from dad's story he had been suffering for quite a long time, the desease slowly taking over his body and eventually life. right now the family's slowly picking up the pieces and trying to move on with life. the great thing is they have finished paying off the house and car's loans so at least that burden is off.

another saksi has a brother that took a pilot course; only to give up when doing the final paper. he decided not to take it! he simply decided he cannot go on anymore. if only he had the courage he would have at least complete that final plunge regardless whether he pass or not. it sounds like an unfinished business to me- and dengar macam geram but in the end only he knows whats going on in his head. he's doing some sort of business now and is doing fine.

anyway the imam has put in his diary my date, and inshaAllah at 11.00 am. i reminded Imran that he absolutely cannot be late during nikah! i will pengsan because of the wait!

the imam, he's young also gave his business card. it appears that he has started a business revolving around wedding. he offers wedding photography, dj ing, salawat etc. etc. but we are gonna pass, thank you.

i keep praying, may Allah make it easy. ameen!

right now im at imran's office. he is busy attending to customers. want to take his borang so i can submit to jais soon.

raya

2010-09-14T22:08:00.002+08:00

1 day before raya -melaka.

as usual we prepeared for raya food kampung style which is a pain sebab atap zink. panas. nenek menjerit. lagi panas. my nenek is a drama queen and it was quite hard to mantain my patience. i hope i managed quite okay in the eyes of Allah.

2nd day raya-kuantan. we could relax a bit here since wan ada maid, and aunties to help. my cousin got married 3rd raya alhamdulillah. there will be another 1 getting married in 2 weeks but im not sure if i can take further leave prior marriage cuti nanti. i myself but dah fidgeting nak kerja.funny that.there are few tasks that i find engaging at work.

today we just got back to shah alam. a quiet day without my nieces screaming and playing their HEADS off. they rock.

my wedding date has been fixed - insyaallah 13.11.2010. about 2 months from now. may Allah make it easy. i am quite nervous but happier than anything else. just have to find a nice wedding dress and other small details. im not very good with all these girly things, so hopefully things will go smoothly.

have about 1 day before work, want to do some reading and drink coffee. and maybe work on my quilt. and printing eddy's shirt design. i dont know if i can do all.

what i take home

2010-09-04T11:03:00.003+08:00

like last year i went to kedai borong kerepek at melawati. or is it kedai kerepek borong?

anyway i bought

1. kerepek pisang
2. kerepek ubi pedas & tak pedas
3. batang buruk
4. biskut beras
5. kuih raya perisa kacang

and i ordered from my friends

6. cookies for bakal mak mentua
7. cookies for my family

and best of all

1 kg's of marshmellow. hopefully i'll get it by today.

takde kuih yg canggih2 but ini yang akan laku!

my raya outfit:

1. abaya with pink flowers

i would love to get beautiful baju kurung but too lazy to face the last minute crowd.

my holiday will start wednesday and off we go to melaka then kuantan on 2nd raya.

1 week off. looking forward to that.

women forgive but never forget

2010-09-04T10:57:00.002+08:00

this is a myth that will eat your heart out.

how can you say you have truly forgiven someone if you still remember the fault with bitterness and hate?

and what good does it do to you, to remember your pain?

move on, forget it.

maybe i am too young and optimistic- but at the moment it works fine by me to forgive and forget.

though it will take longer for me to forgive because letting go of grudges is not easy. hehe.

life's too short to reminisce crap.

last 10 days

2010-09-01T16:32:00.001+08:00

terasa cepatnya Ramadhan akan pergi.

bila saya baru hendak terasa kemanisannya.

'Allahumma innaka a'fuwun karim, tuhibbul a'fwa fa'fu a'nni.'

Verily you are the Lord who like to forgive, so forgive my sins.

what a humbling experience.

editing

2010-08-27T15:33:00.002+08:00

one of the brighter side on doing editing job is learning a new word.

today's words.

terrarium.

akordeon.

polisterena.

i know i'll be dying to use these words at dinner table.

'bla bla bla. terrarium!! bla bla bla.'

agak patetik

2010-08-25T13:35:00.002+08:00

i wudnt even say pathetic because the situation is lower than that. thus we shall call it patetik.

the 'fasting' mode has been erased after seven days of off-days.

I'm not sure whether its good to announce to the world about the women off days from fasting because of their menstrual cycle thing. but I guess its just a natural process that we all go through.

I put a packet of Cheapsmore (there are hardly any chips and its not even cheap. patetik 2)
in my bag and would sneak a bite or two at the office. then i would go to surau to drink air masak. its not like these people would mind- but the culture of eating in front of fasting people is not practiced in this office. waah back in the language centre it was different. I would be buying nasik and lauk and eat merrily. miss those days. but gotta go with the flow.

no wedding plan lagi- its not fun to plan a wedding during Ramadhaan. I'd be thinking about my dress for a minute and then before I know it I'd be fantasizing about nasik tomato or coke or ayam.

on the other hand, surprisingly, I like wearing my engagement ring. when I look at it it reminds me that I will have a husband by the end of the year inshaAllah.

whoaa.

I remember Imran texted me- 'I cant wait to be your hasben.'

and I replied. -'and me. your waif.'

3 hari

2010-08-13T16:04:00.002+08:00

puasa.

1st day. me and imran did an hiv test- first in our checklist nak kawin. alhamdulillah. negative! hehe. the nurse cakap saya underweight. and imran overweight. great! hehe. but the nurses in klinik Setapak are very friendly. thumbs up! they were surprisingly jolly-not what u'd expect kat klinik kerajaan yang sgt busy. oops.cik Nat pula buat hal sebab i forgot to switch off light but i have a jumper now.

2nd day. sgt weak. because i eat so little i dont have enough energy to forgo fasting comfortably. i slept a lot.

3rd day. today i try to start the day with a glass of milk, cereal, energy bar and fried potato. alhamdulilah better.. its a month of hope for me. hoping for a better me.

A beautiful Saturday

2010-08-08T17:22:00.013+08:00

While everyone was busy preparing all the girly stuff I had the best time with cute Nana.

My dad, dad's friends, bro-in-law, uncle and Imran's uncles doing the discussion. It lasted
5- 10 mins only since all the details were discussed priop to this meeting.

Pressies for Imran's family

At the brink of Ramadhaan yesterday. Alhamdulillaah. Was a small engagement gathering to mark my engagement to my husband-to-be InshaAllaah. Some of my collegues were shocked that I was going to put on my daily black abaya and not even a 'blink-blink' scarf. hehehe. Well firstly my abaya is beautiful thank you very much, and inshaAllaah it covers my aurah pretty well. Secondly I like to keep it simple since excessiveness is not part of Islam. My sister suggested a 'teeny lipstick' to cover my imaginary chapped lips (she's so wrong) but in the end I went au natural. yay!

Safiyya Amani didn't come to my engagement but I went to see her. She's a cool baby.

I got another beautiful abaya, some fruits, flowers, cake, a copy of the translated Quran and the tiniest sized ring we could find- since my fingers are very the kecik. Me & Mom who did an awesome job organizing the gathering. and today is her 30th wedding anniversary.

My cheerful family. The only person yg takde, Maryam. This post is for you!

May Allah unite me & Imran in a blessed walimaah soon InshaAllah. We are scouting November this year :).

and may Allah make it easy for my sisters as well.

Shared happiness is such a blessing!

Love is in the air & life's getting to be more beautiful each day...!

Alhamdulillaah!

the big sister

2010-07-31T11:34:00.002+08:00

getting used to younger people calling me 'kakak'. yeee.

the culture denotes that its a sign of respect.

pfft.

me and culture dont really really blend well these days.

some people like to ask, those who are still studying.

'hows working life? is it fun? is it fun-ner than studying?'

i dont know about others.

but for me it beats studying in uni.

you get to study what you want and not what your teacher dictates.

you dont worry about exam or test that NEVER ask the question you like anyway.

for me i get to work on new books, much like assignments with all the literature reviews and research- with higher stake- the company's money and waiting anxiously for the market's reaction which is very the exciting.

sure there are lots of boring things.

like taxes.

and your boss might scream at you.

or you dont feel like going to work.

and you dont understand how your money can finish that quick.

but you get to taste the real deal baby.

i'd say embrace ur studying life.

but look forward to the post-studying part.

u'd be surprised at the kind of people you meet.

and the experiences that you cant get in any instituition.

and in my case.

i met imran.

but more on him later.

now i gotta get back to writing some contract for my boss.

My mouth

2010-07-20T16:48:00.003+08:00

lunch time.

the kitchen.

washing the pinggan.

my remark to a colleague.

"lepas makan. malas buat kerja. yay!"

i turned around.

Bos patiently waiting to wash his cup.

awkward silence.

yay!

Kuti-kuti

2010-07-20T16:42:00.002+08:00

is a lipan banyak kaki yg nakal.

dia juga suka menangis berjela-jela.

He would cry cupfuls of tears.

what!!

currently translating a childrens book to malay.

its an iranian story.

a story about lipan nakal.

thats what im up to.

another story, have failed to materialize for the twentieth times.

whoever says a writing/translationg job is easy should try this Kuti-kuti thing.

I want to Kuti myself.

Yay!

give in

2010-07-15T17:06:00.004+08:00

i do not know much about men.

or love.

or even life itself.

but when it comes.

you have just got to trust your heart.

and give in to the bigger picture that God has intended for you.

its a scary thing.

its a risk.

amidst all this vulnerability, i have to admit it is beautiful.

nice!

2010-07-03T11:00:00.002+08:00

arrived last night to be greeted by fresh smelling air and dancing trees.

woke up this morning to a wonderful sea sight.

mak ngah said there's a great durian dusun nearby.

i think i'll be visiting my kakak often.

i like Penang!

wah

2010-06-30T14:59:00.002+08:00

i wonder why most my posts nowadays seem melancholic.

i am neither depressed or stressed.

perhaps it is the time constrain.

or that i feel my little joy and smile is too worthless to mention.

feels like i wanna take a jar.

and put all this happiness inside.

and take a picture and show you.

boy.

i cant.

Seringkali

2010-06-30T14:43:00.002+08:00

Bila ada yang guris hati kita, we are quick to judge and slow to forgive

It is all about me, me, me

But each day

We walk through the day

Expecting to be loved

and forgiven

by Him

Through and through.

Itu yg saya fikirkan pagi tadi.

5.30 pm

2010-06-29T17:31:00.002+08:00

Terasa hari ini macam tak mahu pulang.

Saya sedang belajar menggunakan Pagemaker untuk buat brochure syarikat.

Pace yang slow; amat. Tapi belajar benda baru sgt best. Saya sangat curious.

Tapi 5.30 p.m ini.

Saya mesti jumpa cikgu seni saya.

Art printing projek saya terpaksa hold.

Saya lupa formula bancuh paint.

Sebab tidak tulis.

Lesson learnt, yessir.

Terima kasih

2010-06-24T09:46:00.003+08:00

Every morning boss will have a meeting with the marketing team.

Giving pep talk.

Occasionally we editors are called to join in to listen.

Occasionally I rave because I feel its irrelevance.

Like today.

'What a waste of time!'

What a silly girl.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

He discussed '7 Habits of Highly Effective People'

Today was chapter 3.

BEGIN WITH THE END IN MIND.

Have a mental image of what you want in 3, 10, 20, years.

Imagine the kind of life, relationship, kids, career, faith that you want.

Visualize it.

Till you can almost taste it.

And move towards it.

Bos asked a question.

Simple.

'Ayam nampak sibuk tak?'

'Ayam sentiasa sibuk, tapi tak pernah maju.Manusia pun boleh jadi macam tu. Sibuk. Macam-macam. Tapi lagi 5 tahun. Sama. Masih di situ. Macam ayam.'

Saya tak nak jadi ayam.

Terima kasih Bos.

rindu

2010-06-22T15:25:00.000+08:00

blog templat yg lama, tapi saya sudah tidak jumpa.

gigil

2010-06-22T14:36:00.002+08:00

aduss

it has been two days

that i sit on this chair

doing work with computer

typing

imagine that

pretty exhausted with 'mundane' activity like this

cant believe i can survive a 9-5 job this long

but herre i am

typing away

head spinning though

adalah sikit rasa satisfied

that im working hard

but largely

i know im underperforming

being here

the frustation of learning to become adult

boleh bikin gigil wooo

I remember

2010-06-21T14:48:00.004+08:00

Towards the end of a cold dark winter dulu

Where spring is approaching

There was always that feeling of anticipation

For the first day of spring

For that first bloom of flowers

Sign of life approaching

That dim sun, shining shyly after hiding for months

Shining as if its unsure whether it is time to shine

The leaves sprouting out

Trying to outlive the last blow of the winter wind- fighting harshly for the last time

I wonder if such description

Can equal love

I cant quite describe when it creeps in

or how

I am (definetelyy) no romantic pun

But darn, falling in love feels good.

Someone.

Stole my heart.

Aiyah.

Pengsan.

Maryam

2010-06-19T12:17:00.002+08:00

has gone to Poli in Johor doing some food course. i think!

why cant my siblings just stop growing?!

seems like Luke is the last one in the house. and he'll be all grown before i know it.

haiyah.

in 2 weeks angah will sambung master. Penang. another goner.

my application to do textile design in UITM failed.

takpe. i believe in hikmah.

tapi. aritu guling2 lah jugak.

apelah aku nak buat with the rest of my life.

saya kurang pasti.

life, as usual will shape itself in the most unexpected way.

as each day unfolds, im so grateful that I smile and laugh more than I frown.

thank God.

weddings

2010-06-19T12:08:00.002+08:00

i couldn't quite make it this June.

except my housemates' wedding -because it was held in section 20.

the music was terrible though. how can you sing a break up song at a wedding.

most importantly, how did you think you can ever sing!

kasihan.

May Allah bless all of those friends who are recently married. May the marriage be full of blessings, romance and joy...

and may Allah help kami2 yang masih bujang ini :).

post sickness

2010-06-19T12:02:00.003+08:00

its the demam season.

my colleagues are taking mc alternately.

last week was my turn.

during sickness i always feel so down.

very hard to maintain sabr.

very hard to be grateful.

mashaAllah.

post sickness.

rasa-rasa macam mati hidup semula :)

the days seem brighter.

food tastes better.

small flowers on the street makes me smile.

the congested air pun i breath in gratefully.hehehe.

reminds me of a remark an old friend made -

" i feel like health is the best thing God can give us."

October 22, 2009

2010-06-08T20:57:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I find it easier to just say it- Allah I love you. Allah I miss you. Hey thanks for the banana. and stripy socks I love to buy. and for being there for me. providing me with peace amidst this chaos. sometimes I say this out loud. Sometimes they just pop in my head.

I do wish I have all my old diaries. To read all my silly thoughts.